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STRANGERs

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Printed on: 10/23/2014

Topic:


Topic author: strangers
Subject: STRANGERs
Posted on: 05/16/2009 03:50:35
Message:

hey friends

I decide to start writting a blog ... I hope I got lots of friends here ... In this blog I decide to write about different aspects of my life ... like my hobbies, friends, study and also my treatment ...

First I give a short introduction about myself:

I'm 27 years old women and got my master degree in Applied physics rently (on September 2009) ... For now I'm unemployed and during last several months I've been trying to find a proper job but I was unsuccessful in it ...

what I'm doing these days?

I stop looking for job recently and trying to get a bit of rest ... now I want to get new hobbies and maybe new friends ... I have a bit difficulty in finding friends ... about 7-8 months ago I break up with my ex boyfriend and also I lost my job which was really hard time for me ... I ended up being 2-3 days in street and after that I was found with the police and spend about two months in the hospital ...that time I was living in the Netherlands due to my work and study ....

after getin discharge from hopital i lived in the student hotel trying to find a job but it was unsuccessful then i movbed to the Germany to one of my aunt and spending one month there and finally came back to my hometown ...

now I'm in new meds and gotting new Pdoc and try to catch up my life again ...

strangers

Replies:


Reply author: davidt
Replied on: 05/16/2009 08:53:42
Message:



Delighted to notice you have reestablished your Blog here S.

I hope to contribute from time to time like before....

Community Hugs, David


If you work these communities ... there's a good chance these communities will work for you!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/16/2009 22:46:21
Message:

hey davids

thanks for your post in my blog. I hope see you around more often

your friend
Strangers


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/17/2009 03:10:15
Message:

... yesterday I sztart my course in drawing ... it was really amusing and fantastics ...

Strangers


Reply author: davidt
Replied on: 05/20/2009 16:06:26
Message:


Thanks S.


Good to see you continuing where you left off...

also the fact that you are sharing elsewhere...

I think it is valuable to interact with other members, apart from the occasional "upset" it has helped me enormously.

Hugs, David




Friendship is the greatest gift of all.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 06/07/2009 01:39:52
Message:


... after about 1 month and half having with my new treatment, I finally get rid of the hallucination and voices almost completly.

... I also start doing some sport, today was the second day in the jim and I feel really more calm and energetics ....

about my drawing I already have two session of it but yesterday I dismissed it. maybe later in this week I will have my next session.

... I want to start to make a plan for finding a job and doing PhD today which make me a bit stressed.

Strangers


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 06/22/2009 01:51:16
Message:

... last evening again I had psychosis, it was bad and terrifying ... i want definitely get rid of it as soon as possible... maybe again I used the ritalin too much and the last psychosis might be result of that.

about job, still I didn't find a job and living with my parents. my pdocs told me still it's too soon to start finding a job since i'm psychotic.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 09/26/2009 07:01:29
Message:

One month ago I went to Netherlands and stay there for two weeks to find the job. I was really stressed that time and I couldn't enjoy my trip at all. I'm happpy that I'm back at home. For one job they only accept me if I show them a letter from my Pdoc that I'm completely healthy now but my Pdoc refuse to give me the letter. He think I'm not completely healhy to be on my own in another country. I'm really sad because of that .

now I'm still waiting for another university to call me but also they found about my health situation in my record so I'm not that much hopeful about it ...

for the rest, I study a bit and also start learning software 3D max which is for 3D modelling and animation. It's fun.

I decide to start looking for job here in my own country as soon as possible and also I want to start doing excercise.

Your Friend
Strangers


Reply author: davidt
Replied on: 09/26/2009 16:07:28
Message:


I am sorry and saddened by your recent knock back Samira...

I also feel I have neglected you of late... I hope to chat you more often from now on... that's a promise!

Love, David

There are people who cross our lives in tiny fractions of time, during the briefest of encounters, and yet they leave an indelible mark on our hearts and in our minds.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJ8ahL8LsEQ


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 09/27/2009 14:18:34
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by davidt


I am sorry and saddened by your recent knock back Samira...

I also feel I have neglected you of late... I hope to chat you more often from now on... that's a promise!

Love, David

There are people who cross our lives in tiny fractions of time, during the briefest of encounters, and yet they leave an indelible mark on our hearts and in our minds.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJ8ahL8LsEQ




Hi Davidt,

Thank you for your post! yes, recently we didn't have that much chance to chat with each other. I hope also we chat more.

Your friend
Sammira


Reply author: davidt
Replied on: 09/30/2009 21:42:36
Message:



So do I Samira!

Yours in friendship, David


There are people who cross our lives in tiny fractions of time, during the briefest of encounters, and yet they leave an indelible mark on our hearts and in our minds.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJ8ahL8LsEQ


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 10/07/2009 11:54:10
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by davidt



So do I Samira!

Yours in friendship, David


There are people who cross our lives in tiny fractions of time, during the briefest of encounters, and yet they leave an indelible mark on our hearts and in our minds.


Hi Davidt,

Thanks for your nice picture. You always cheer me up.

Your friend
Stranger


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJ8ahL8LsEQ



Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 10/07/2009 12:25:56
Message:

Last week I again had hallucination. On Saturday I met my Pdoc and discuss about my psychosis with him. he believed it's because I reduced my meds recently on my own plus stress of my trip to netherlands and looking for a new job. last few days I got my meds and today and yesterday I was completely OK which make me happy.

I really love my Pdocs and believe he is reallly a good doctor. My next session is next tuseday, I want to discuss with him about my unsuccessful job application. My previous supervisor believed that I'm not personally strong for this job and I'm not welll-balanced. I couldn't go to my job regulary and had lots of absentences.

Now I start looking for PhD in USA ...

My Pdoc believe that is not good for me to go to another country where I don't have any relation or family. One of my brother is in USA and if I can go and stay with him it will be great.

Strangers


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 10/08/2009 06:01:26
Message:

I don't feel good at all so I decide to write here maybe I feel better later. I'm in tooo much stress now because I'm jobless and plus I'm depressed because I'm lonely. Now my parents can support me financially but without having a job I feel useless. I'm thinking about continuing my education and going abroad but it can be only possible if I be complketely healthy which I don't know how long it might take. I try to focus on my study and participate in some exanms whcih is required for my study but I cannot focus at all. I'm totally disappointed....

Strangers


Reply author: davidt
Replied on: 10/08/2009 17:28:11
Message:



Hi Samira

Just to let you know I've not forgotten you, despite difficulties elsewhere I've had to contend with.

For what it is worth I think it important to write down our 'trials and tribulations' it is for me a way of diffusing same and makes our problems a little more more manageable.

At the moment, from your most recent post, it appears that life is a 'vicious' circle, compounded by the fact that you are unemployed, your family no longer wish to finance you... thus leading to further depression... it is no wonder you feel disillusioned by what is not your desire.

May I suggest a more rational rethink.. such as only proceeding as far as life's complications. The more realistic you are of what you can achieve at this point in time is I think more desirable.

Just my down to earth thoughts as ever < David



If you work these communities ... there's a good chance these communities will work for you!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJ8ahL8LsEQ


Reply author: davidt
Replied on: 10/08/2009 17:50:11
Message:

one of my favorite quotes of all time Samira ...which I hope is helpful to you at this dificult time.


PS., Something for you to ponder if you haven't already...

http://www3.open.ac.uk/study/?KWCAMPAIGN=zed_Brand&keywordid=ggluk_open_university_student

Please not You don't have to be a UK citizen to apply< David



If you work these communities ... there's a good chance these communities will work for you!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJ8ahL8LsEQ


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 10/23/2009 10:47:59
Message:

Hi Davidt,

Thank you for your nice words and sorry for my delay in response to you. recently I wasn't in a good mood to write.

Yes, I think you are right I should try to think more rationaly and maybe start wioth small steps to inprove my life.

Your friend
Strangers


Reply author: davidt
Replied on: 11/10/2009 16:29:14
Message:


Thought you may like to see this S.,

http://www.mytherapy.com/discussion/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=21282

Love, David



If you work these communities ... there's a good chance these communities will work for you!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJ8ahL8LsEQ


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 12/04/2009 09:44:55
Message:

I feel I need to write something here. recently I felt numb all the time. might be because of my med risperdal. I felt like a zombie. now I stop it and I thnk I feel a little bit better. or might be because of ritaline that I feel a little bit better. I think I need something to do in my free time. now most of the day I'm studying for the GRE and TOEFL. I also sleep too much but for the rest I don't have any plan. maybe I soon I start go to the gym. that might make me more fresh and energized. I feel emotionless it's like I'm depressed I don't know why but I cannot enjoy my free time. maybe I'm too worry about the exam. I also don't enjoy my study. I'm more often too nervous. recently I didn''t have psychosis anymore but it's like that I don't feel also anything. I cannnot enjoy my life. Maybe I need serously to think what to do in free time. music can be good.
today i feel much better. i feel like flying. I want to break all the fears. I like to be able o enjoy my life once more. now I don't know why I cannot enjoy my life. maybe it's because i don't have any job. if i could continue my study I could have better life. actually it's my dream to continue my study but I'm not sure I'm enough strong for that. I'm afraid that I fail and never be able to think and work like before. but tonight I feel more confidence. I think if I really want I can contiue my study and find a job.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 12/17/2009 12:28:54
Message:

I'm still studying for TOEFl and GRE. I have concentration problem (ADHD). but because I have also history of psychosis I'm not allowed to take more than one pill per day for my concentration. I'm looking for a natural way to improve my motivation and concentration. My problem is that I always feel on go. I cannot sit still and do my job. I just jump from one task to another task and I have racing thoughts.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 12/23/2009 01:43:18
Message:

I was in holliday the last 4 days. It was wonderful, relaxing holliday. I went to an island for holiday. I was with my mom. the weather was so good. we went for swimmimg also. I also read the book secret near the beach. It's a wonderful book. I love it so much.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 12/23/2009 09:52:51
Message:

I should study hard for exam but I feel a bit depressed. It's not easy for me to stay focused and motivated. It seems that my study doesn't go well. I'm writting, maybe in writting I find a motivation for study. I try to imagine that I became accepted in the university and I can continue my study. I try to imagine that I pass the exam and get admission in a university in USA then I can move to USA. I can live the place I like and I can have better life. This sound good reason for trying hard.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 12/23/2009 14:04:09
Message:

Now it's 1:30 a.m. I had extra pill Ritaline and I'm still awake. I wish I could feel as much good without ritaline. I don't know maybe it's just in my mind that ritaline make me feel better. I feel tired but I don't want go to bed. maybe I stay awake half an houre more. I'm tired of studying and now I want to have some fun. I intend to socialize more. maybe I can start with MT. I don't feel enough confident to socialize outside. maybe I can try to reply to some posts. It's difficult for me to stay focused. my mind jump from an idea to the other. But I like MT when I read other posts I feel I'm not alone. I se the other people in my situation and I feel more relaxed. In MT I feel like being in my home with my own friends.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 12/23/2009 14:37:10
Message:



My Difficulties


1. ADHD (difficulty in concentration, hyperactivity)
2. psychotic disorder (NOS) (currently I don't have any psychosis)
3. depression (I feel joyless)
4. anxiety
5. social problem


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 12/23/2009 14:54:02
Message:

I feel happy about ...


1. being at least physically healthy
2. have a good mother
3. having master degree in physics
4. not having psychosis anymore
5. being able to dream about my future again
6. trying to do my best to have better life


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 12/25/2009 03:00:03
Message:

I wake up really late today (around 11). I study up to now more or less. I don't feel motivated for study. I don't know why? It sounds my study doesn't work. I feel even if I try hard I cannot ppass the exam with good grade. I need some fun to do. maybe it's the reason I feel down. I don't have anything fun to do. I have a book in hand but everytime i want to read it i feel I'm wasting my time and I should study instead of reading the book. maybe I'm wrong. maybe if I have a litle fun I can study also better. I give it a try. I'm also sad about my father. he has severe alzeimer. everytime I think about him I feel bad.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 12/25/2009 11:13:27
Message:

I was thinking why I cannot enjoy my life. I think one reason is that I'm continously worried about everything. I'm worried about my future. at first I thought I cannot enjoy my life because I don't have any friend and I live in a country that I don't like it but even when I was in Netherlands I couldn't enjoy my life. probably I should find the main reason some where inside myself. I though I cannot enjoy my life becasue of my mental illness. I thought because I have ADHD I cannot focus on what I'm doing but it's strang because ADHD is not something that happen once. you born with it but I used to concentrate better. ven I used to be hyperfocused. I think enjoying life is something that you should find it in every moment of life. it shouldn't depend on the place you live or on your life condition. If I think I can enjoy my life only if I have good job and live in a country that I like. I would not never be able to find happiness in my life because all this condition are temparory. you cannot never garuanty that you can hold your job or you can live in a specific country forever. then you will start to become anxious about it and your life become misreable. I think I should try to enjoy whatever I have now and start build on it. In this way I won't be afraid of future because I cannot never lose something that I don't have it and if I lose something that I have it oncce I can try again to obtain it. It's the same about happiness and my concentration. if I used to be happy in my life it means I'm able to be happy again. If I use to have a good concentration it means I can obtain it again. Actually I start believing that I don't have ADHD at all and it's just sommmmmething that I make it by myself.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 12/25/2009 13:19:20
Message:

It's 1 a.m. I'm listening to pink floyd and have a cup of coffee. I'm trying to have some fun. I'm rying to convince myself that I studied enough today but maybe I study a little more then come back again.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 12/25/2009 15:57:14
Message:



I studied a bit quantum mechanics and worked with mathematica. It was quite fun.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 12/26/2009 08:41:50
Message:

just venting ...


I just want to write. It's a long time I have problem in talking. It's hard for me to talk about what happen in last year. even my mom noticed that I talk not that much. I'm thinking how hard was the time that I had psychosis. actually I cannot remember that much from that time. my memory of that time is so crappy. I still feel bad that I lost my job. I had lots of absentece and it was so embarrasing. I'm angree of myself. I try tell myself that it wasn't my fault and it was just because of my mental peroblem but I think I made my mental problem worse by using alcohol and drugs. I feel on edge. I cannot concentrate that much on what I'm writting. I'm worried about my study. maybe I study a bit and come back later.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 12/26/2009 14:59:23
Message:



One year ago after being three weeks in hospital I get diagnosis of high functioning Autism but my current Pdoc think I don't have it. I get two online test. according to both tests very likely I have autism or asperger syndrom. Above is the result of one test in which I get score of 175 out of 200 for Asperger syndrom. I wonder if I should change my Pdoc.


Reply author: lynn2150
Replied on: 12/28/2009 06:02:45
Message:

Hi Strangers,
I have missed so much re: members posts.
Sorry about that.
I found this thread, while searching for Davids latest post.
I think David is fabulous !
I hope he comes back in the New Year.
WOW, you are a BRIAN !
Physics and all, I gave up at Grade Nine Math. Sat in class drawing horses.
Isn't it frustrating when a P-Doc doesn't agree with a dx?
All the time and effort put into getting well, then a P-Doc decides you are wrongly dx'd.
Maybe he thinks he is right, and that his dx is better?
Like finding out you are not as ill as first thought?
I wonder, someone told me given three different Doctors would give me three different diagnoses.
I could pick the "best one" but what I would want is the correct one.
It's so abstract .
I notice you are branching out in the community as David would say.
It's nice to see you around too.
It's always good to discuss, things, get support and different points of view.
Well, I have been up all night, might get some rest. Big day ahead Sons Birthday he's 29 wow.
Am a little sad as his father is not with us.
Must carry on though.
God Bless.
Lynn

Note to self: ask God what His plans are, for me, for the day.
.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 12/28/2009 09:29:38
Message:

Hi Lynn
thank you for your posts in my blog. I'm really happy that you found my blog. I also think Davidt is fabulous. I miseed him too. Is he in travelling? I think I missed this part. Actually I'm not brain. I just love physics maybe that's the point. But I know many people don't like physics that much.
yes it's frustrating to get lots of different diagnosis with different Pdoc. you are right I should think which of them fit to me best. for now my diagnosis is psychotic disorder (NOS) and ADHD. I agree with both of them. actually my psychotic disorder was due to lots of stress and substance abuse.
I also agree with you that's good to discuss and get support here. so far it has been very useful for me. at least I don't feel alone.
and Happy birthday with your son. I'm sorry that his father is not with you. I hope tommorrow be a great day for you.

Your friend
Strangers


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 12/29/2009 10:30:19
Message:

today I had an appointment with my Pdoc. He wasn't happy that I get ritaline more than what I'm supposed to get. when I asked him for another prescription at first he didn't accept it but when I insist on it he told me this time I just accept it because our friendship. in my appointment he told me he like if I talk openly and tell him everything. As most of the time I was out of conversation. he asked me to write whatever I want to tell him in a notebook and read for him in another session. I told him that I missed living in Netherlands and also missed my ex boy friend. but he think I made a wise decision that break up with him. when I described my boyfriend he told me probably he was a psychopath. I also told him I'm not satisfied witha situation in my country. political situation in my country is very messed up and I don't feel safe at all. we don't know what might happen in the future. He think if it depends on person. he think if I want I can live in this country like I'm living in the heaven or I can make it like a hell for myself. He asked me why I need relationship it's because of sex or other thing. I think sex also play an important role in a relationship but it's not everything. I need someone to talk with hime and someone who support me. I also talked to him about the time I had psychosis. I told him I used to live with an imaginary friend. He was a boy with great self-confidence. he was very independent and happy and he loved music. that time I wanted to change my major to art but it was temporary. I told him I'm afraid of having a new relationship. he think it's wise to be afraid. He think most of the boys don't want permanet relationship and they just want a temporary one which might make me suffer. I got also ginko for my concentration. I will give it a try and see what happen.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 01/03/2010 15:55:24
Message:

It's 3:30 a.m and I'm still fully awake. I got clonazepam but it didn't work. I again tried not o get risperdal but many frightening thought came to my mind so I took it again. Today I went to the gym and I also study. I'm tired of studyng that much. it's too much for me. I'm just trying to convince myself tha I had enough study for today and I can relax but my mind soen't accept it. I try to convince myself that I really enjoy studying but it doesn't work always. now I'm frustrated because I don't have anything to do. no fun thing.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 01/12/2010 13:27:23
Message:

today I had long session wih my Pdoc. we talked about variety of topics. He asked me when I start abusing drug and how long I abused it? He asked about my previous relationship. I told him that I feel that I'm depressed but he think it's not depression that I suffer from. it's rather apathy. He asked me several question about my previous sexual relation. He asked me what I think about marriage. He think I need to have at least a minimum responsibility to feel happy in my life. Actually I feel that my everyday is the same and there is no change in my life. I asked him for more ritaline but he doesn't agree. He think more ritaline might make me psychotic.

Strangers


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 01/13/2010 11:17:41
Message:

Hello Strangers.

Sounds like your doctor was asking the right questions. Why do you feel you need more Ritalin? My oldest, Ashley takes 40 mg every a.m. for ADHD.

Hang in there!

Brenda

All's well that ends well.
-Edgar Allen Poe


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 01/14/2010 12:25:47
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by brenda75

Hello Strangers.

Sounds like your doctor was asking the right questions. Why do you feel you need more Ritalin? My oldest, Ashley takes 40 mg every a.m. for ADHD.

Hang in there!

Brenda

All's well that ends well.
-Edgar Allen Poe




Hi Brenda,

Thanks for reading and posting in my blog. About your question: I just take 10mg per day Ritalin and its effects doesn't last long enough for me. So I think I need more Ritalin. I used to take up to 70mg Ritalin per day.

Your friend
Stranger


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 01/14/2010 12:46:02
Message:




World Is A Big Illusion


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 01/14/2010 15:28:24
Message:

Love that picture. I can understand now why you want an increase in the Ritalin. I tell you, it has been a life changer for my daughter.

Take care,
Brenda

All's well that ends well.
-Edgar Allen Poe


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 01/15/2010 08:38:32
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by brenda75

Love that picture. I can understand now why you want an increase in the Ritalin. I tell you, it has been a life changer for my daughter.

Take care,
Brenda

All's well that ends well.
-Edgar Allen Poe





Thank you Brenda for your understanding!

Your friend
Stranger


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 01/15/2010 13:49:33
Message:

I'm thinking about changing my Pdoc. I feel depressed but my Pdoc is not agree with that. he think it's not depression. It's jus apathy. I really think I need anti-depressant. Plus I need to have at least 40mg Ritalin per day but my Pdoc just give me 10mg per day which is far of enough. He think more Ritaline will make me psychotic but I don't agree with him. On the other hand changing the pdoc is difficult. I don't know if I can trust another Pdoc. I don't know if she will prescribe right meds for me or not. I'm frustrated. Also I like my current Pdoc. He know how to talk to me and thinking about not seeing him anymore makes me nervous.


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 01/15/2010 15:22:29
Message:

Isn't apathy one of the signs of depression?

Good luck strangers in whatever you choose. It will be a hard decision not to be taken lightly.

Bless you,
Brenda

All's well that ends well.
-Edgar Allen Poe


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 01/15/2010 23:58:04
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by brenda75

Isn't apathy one of the signs of depression?

Good luck strangers in whatever you choose. It will be a hard decision not to be taken lightly.

Bless you,
Brenda

All's well that ends well.
-Edgar Allen Poe




Hi Brenda

Thanks for your post. Yes I think also apathy is a sign of depression. It's strange that my Pdoc insist on not giving me anti-depressant.

Your friend
Stranger


Reply author: worried mind
Replied on: 01/20/2010 13:18:46
Message:

hei stranger

even if you are not a stranger to me .... i am happy to read you are making progress.

keep it up girl, you deserve to go the good way.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 01/20/2010 13:23:37
Message:

I love study physics because in study physics I discover the universe. I know more about the nature. since my childhood I was curious about what's going arund us and was curious about the nature. In my opinion God is the nature. It's not something beyond the nature. It's harmony of the nature. It's law of the nature.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 01/20/2010 13:27:33
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by worried mind

hei stranger

even if you are not a stranger to me .... i am happy to read you are making progress.

keep it up girl, you deserve to go the good way.





Hi Worried mnd

First welcome to MT and thanks for your nice words. I hope you find the support here in this community.

Your friend
Stranger


Reply author: worried mind
Replied on: 01/20/2010 13:31:33
Message:

thanx for your kind words stranger . i used to know a girl that also called herself stranger . i lost contact with her and it really was a loss for me . what do you think . maybe she should read her msn . i think she is bright enough to think about it .

regards... S

Everything I learned in life,
I learned from calvin and hobbes.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 01/20/2010 17:17:47
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by worried mind

thanx for your kind words stranger . i used to know a girl that also called herself stranger . i lost contact with her and it really was a loss for me . what do you think . maybe she should read her msn . i think she is bright enough to think about it .

regards... S

Everything I learned in life,
I learned from calvin and hobbes.



Hi storm

I'm so glad that I find you again. i don't have msn now and I have dial up internet. It takes forever to download live messenger. I just missed you alot and I love to see you again but it's not possible now I'm in my own country.

Your friend
stranger


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 01/20/2010 18:01:11
Message:

Hi Storm

Do you use yahoo messenger? If you use it. give me your ide then I will add you in my yahoo messenger. we can use i instead of msn.


Reply author: worried mind
Replied on: 01/22/2010 05:44:30
Message:

thanx. only please delete your repley also. because you quoted mine.

Everything I learned in life,
I learned from calvin and hobbes.


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 01/26/2010 08:53:09
Message:

Hi strangers, how are you? Did you change your PDoc? I might have missed a post or two since me and the kids have been sick.

Have a great day,
Brenda

All's well that ends well.
-Edgar Allen Poe


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 01/26/2010 14:54:50
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by brenda75

Hi strangers, how are you? Did you change your PDoc? I might have missed a post or two since me and the kids have been sick.

Have a great day,
Brenda

All's well that ends well.
-Edgar Allen Poe




Hi Brenda

Thank you for your reading and posting in my blog. It always cheer me up. I'm sorry that your kids are sick. I hope they become better soon. for now I got a an appointment with new Pdoc for 6 Feb. I hope he will be Ok. I'm still in doubt to change my Pdoc because I love my current Pdoc.

your friend
Stranger


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 01/26/2010 16:02:26
Message:

today I had a anoher nice session with my Pdoc. I told him that I found my ex-boyfriend. he think it's not good for me to have relation with him anymore because we have many difficulties in our last relation. I told him that I feel depressed but he think I'm not depressed. he think because I used to use drug I still want the experience of being on drug so now that I don't use drug anymore I think that I'm depressed but I don't agree with him because I feel even not the same as before using any drug. He also touch me and asked me how it feel. he asked me how I feel when other people touch me and how I felt when my ex-boyfriend used to touch me. He also asked me what's my opinion about him. I told dhim that I like him because he is very kind and undrestanding to me plus he is handsome LOL.He think it's good for me to have a job. I'm actually working on it. I want to apply for aPhD position in USA. he think I feel depressed because I don't have enough thing to do.


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 01/27/2010 01:39:01
Message:

Strangers,

Please hear this, depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Anti depressants help fill the gap between receptors and nerves, etc. To make us feel well again. Depression is a serious disorder. It will break my heart if your doctor ignores this and something happened to escalate your situation.

Please find a doctor that can address your depression.

This is just my unprofessional opinion.

Brenda



All's well that ends well.
-Edgar Allen Poe


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 01/27/2010 03:08:41
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by brenda75

Strangers,

Please hear this, depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Anti depressants help fill the gap between receptors and nerves, etc. To make us feel well again. Depression is a serious disorder. It will break my heart if your doctor ignores this and something happened to escalate your situation.

Please find a doctor that can address your depression.

This is just my unprofessional opinion.

Brenda



All's well that ends well.
-Edgar Allen Poe




Hi Brenda

Thank you for your suggestion. I hope the new Pdoc take my depression serious. I still should wait till 6 Feb.

Your friend
Stranger


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 01/28/2010 06:37:30
Message:

I'll be thinking of you. Keep us posted.

Brenda

All's well that ends well.
-William Shakespeare-


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 01/28/2010 12:38:55
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by brenda75

I'll be thinking of you. Keep us posted.

Brenda

All's well that ends well.
-William Shakespeare-




Hi Brenda

Thanks for your nice words.

I feel so nervous about changing my Pdoc. I cannot stop thinking what might happen. Will he give me ati-depressant or not. what about Ritaline. I hope he agree also that I have ADHD and give me enough Ritaline. I badly need it, specially in these days that I'm preparing myself for the exam. I hope he doesn't want to evaluate everything from the begining and just trust me. I got also diagnosis of Autism before from two doctors. one from a neurologist and one when I was three weeks in hospital for evaluation in Netherlands. In my opinion I have Autism too but my current Pdoc doesn't agree with that. I'm also nervous about my two exams. one of them is on 6 Feb (the same day that I have appointment with my Pdoc) and the other is on 21 Feb. It's about two months that I'm studying. I got tired and my mind is not that much sharp. I really need a break from this much stress.

Stranger


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 01/30/2010 18:30:28
Message:

Strangers,

I hear you about the stress. Look at the last entry in my blog.

http://www.mytherapy.com/discussion/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=21559&whichpage=16

What exams are you taking? School is a major stress for me right now too.

Hang in there, you aren't alone.

Brenda

All's well that ends well.
-William Shakespeare-


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 01/31/2010 20:14:46
Message:



Hi Brenda

Thanks for your nice words. Yes school is really stressful. I read your blog and post in it. I hope you get rid of stress soon.

about the exam: I want to apply for PhD position in USA. for that I need to pass TOEfl and GRE exam. Gre exam is in 6 Feb and TOEFL in 21 Feb. I really need to get good grade on it.

Your friend
Stranger



Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 02/02/2010 03:52:23
Message:

I am sure you have studied and completely prepared for the exams. I'm positive you will do well. PhD? That is AWESOME! Way to go. Those two exams are close together. Date wise. I wish you the best of luck and you'll be in my thoughts.

Brenda

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? -- Milton Berle


Reply author: loggedin
Replied on: 02/02/2010 11:19:34
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by strangers

quote:
Originally posted by brenda75

I'll be thinking of you. Keep us posted.

Brenda

All's well that ends well.
-William Shakespeare-




Hi Brenda

Thanks for your nice words.

I feel so nervous about changing my Pdoc. I cannot stop thinking what might happen. Will he give me ati-depressant or not. what about Ritaline. I hope he agree also that I have ADHD and give me enough Ritaline. I badly need it, specially in these days that I'm preparing myself for the exam. I hope he doesn't want to evaluate everything from the begining and just trust me. I got also diagnosis of Autism before from two doctors. one from a neurologist and one when I was three weeks in hospital for evaluation in Netherlands. In my opinion I have Autism too but my current Pdoc doesn't agree with that. I'm also nervous about my two exams. one of them is on 6 Feb (the same day that I have appointment with my Pdoc) and the other is on 21 Feb. It's about two months that I'm studying. I got tired and my mind is not that much sharp. I really need a break from this much stress.

Stranger




Hello, Stranger. I am new on this site. I read that you are changing your Pdoc, and I would like to suggest something to you:

While I agree that you should share all the information you can with your new Pdoc, like specifically 1. you have been on ritaline before, 2. this is how it makes you feel, 3. you think it would help you with your upcoming tests, if he/she prescribes or otherwise treats you without some sort of evaluation, rather than as you say 'trusting' you, you should RUN THE OTHER WAY. Any doctor (or mechanic for that matter) that takes someone else's opinion - even another doctor's - without checking it out for themselves first is either incompetent or a pill-pusher. Imagine going to a surgeon and telling him that you have had two bypass surgeries and you're having those chest pains again, and his response is, "OK, take off your clothes, slip this gown on, I'll call the anesthesiologist, we'll get you up on a table and crack your chest open."

Second, if I am right that your worst complaint right now is that you are worried about your tests (which is great to have as a worst complaint! ), then I suggest you either refuse to take any new medication you have not tried before - until your tests are over. Or you tell your new doctor that you are concerned about how a new drug might affect you and mess up your performance on the exams. Personally, I would suggest you do the former: no new drug, no unknown about what might happen. Again, if your tests are your main worry, rather than something like a suicide attempt. THAT, of course, takes precedence over tests.

Third (wow, I sure know how to introduce myself) don't put too much faith in a diagnosis. We actually know VERY LITTLE about mental conditions. WE ARE ONLY TREATING SYMPTOMS. An analogy would be if you went to a doctor with a runny nose and a cough, and he or she gave you one medicine for the runny nose and another for the cough, without being able to tell the difference between or hardly knowing the existence of bacteria, viruses, allergies, etc. - the CAUSES of the symptoms.

That is NOT an exaggeration. Here is an example, and it is quite common: in the DSM (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, of the American Psychiatric Association, the 800 page book that lists, describes, and delineates the symptoms ("Diagnosic Criteria") for all psychiatric conditions, under the entry for ADHD, after an outline that literally stretches more than one page in length, the fifth (E) critereon states:

E. The symptoms do not occur exclusively during the course of a Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Schizophrenia, or other Psychotic Disorder and are not better accounted for by another mental disorder(e.g., Mood Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, or a Personality Disorder).

In other words, call it ADHD if the symptoms don't seem to fit better with one of these other things.

So...these labels are artificial constructs based on very limited knowledge, that are used to guide people toward a treatment. (and fill in the numbers on the form for the insurance company; the numbers are listed right after the diagnostic criteria). The treatment is important, the label is garbage.

Therefore... if your new doctor takes a personal medical aand psychological history, a family medical and psychological history, talks with you, asks questions, listens to answers, reiterates a previous diagnosis or a new one or even says he hasn't decided solidly on one yet, and then prescribes Ritaline, good luck on your tests!

P.S. Judging only from your brief entry, you don't seem to be exhibiting any depressive symptoms, such as:
(1) depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report or observation made by others
(7) feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day
(9) recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for commiting suicide


In fact, I think you sound good!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 02/02/2010 16:10:19
Message:

Strangers,
I only hope, that whatever doctor you choose, your
happy with.
I hope that your feeling well. You seem to be a
goal oriented person.
Are there any other goals that you are working on
right now?
As always, it is good to read your posts...you are
very kind and sweet.
Loggedin,
This is a very perceptive and intelligent post.
Thank you for putting such thought into
it.
I truely enjoyed it...it made me think.
Yea, the treatment is most important, the quality of
life that an individual ends up with
at the end of ground zero and
and the beginning of any new med.
I look forward to future posts from you.
Thanks
Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 02/04/2010 08:50:04
Message:

Hi Logeddin

First welcome to MT. Thanks for your nice words. also thanks that you took your time to post in my blog. actually I agree with Leurk you made an intelligent post and it makes me to think. actually I read it few times and really enjoyed it . we shouldn't care that much about the lables. we should care more about the result of the treatments. also I agree about starting new meds. Thank for your suggestion. also it's good that that you think I sound good but I made a thread before about why I feel I'm depressed. maybe you can take a look at it. Lookinging forwards for your future posts.

Your friend
stranger

http://mytherapy.com/discussion/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=22103

Ps: sorry my delay in response. I'm now busy with the exam.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 02/04/2010 09:02:05
Message:

HI Leurok

Thanks for reading and writting in my blog. You are really kind. I also really enjoy reading your posts. You asked about my goals in my life. As you probably read in my blog my first goal now in my life is to go to USA for continuing my study. actually I like to start a new life there. I want to forgot every bad events that happene in the past in my life. I like to have a menatl and physical healthier life. so as you know I'm looking for a new Pdoc. I hope I get good results. I have some smaller goals in my life now. after my exam I want to start doing sport again. I love also start playing an instrument. I used to play flute but now I'm thinking about electronic guitar. I also like to improve my social life. I want to make contact with my old friends and be more active in my social life. so that's my goals. What about you? Do you have any special goal in your life now? I will be happy to hear about that.

PS: Sorry for my delay in response. I was busy with my exam.

Your friend
Stranger


Reply author: worried mind
Replied on: 02/05/2010 08:10:38
Message:

hei stranger

wishing you well and good luck with your exams...

S

WM


Everything I learned in life,
I learned from calvin and hobbes.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 02/06/2010 03:38:28
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by worried mind

hei stranger

wishing you well and good luck with your exams...

S

WM


Everything I learned in life,
I learned from calvin and hobbes.




Hei Storm

Really Thanks. You are really kind person
wish you the best.

Your friend
Stranger


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 02/06/2010 11:16:13
Message:

Good luck on your exams Strangers. It's about that time isn't it? I know you will do well

In friendship,

Brenda

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
-Abraham Lincoln-


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 02/07/2010 10:59:14
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by brenda75

Good luck on your exams Strangers. It's about that time isn't it? I know you will do well

In friendship,

Brenda

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
-Abraham Lincoln-





Hi Brenda

Thanks for you post. Unfortunately I did very poor on the exam. exam was terrible. . I'm really sad and upset about it. they will give the result in one month. I should wait till that time and if the result was very bad I should take the exam again.

Your Friend
Stranger


Reply author: worried mind
Replied on: 02/07/2010 11:15:41
Message:

hei S

to bad about your exams ... wanna talk about it ..you got my yahoo ..i am there for you


storm


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 02/08/2010 18:29:13
Message:

two days ago I had appointment with my new Pdoc. Still I don't know how I feel about him. He diagnosis me with Autism, ADHD, depression and anxiety. He prescribed 40 mg Ritaline, 100mg Sertaline, 0.5 mg Clonazepam, and 1mg Risperdal. He told me next session we decide about other kinds of therapy also.

Stranger


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 02/08/2010 18:34:56
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by worried mind

hei S

to bad about your exams ... wanna talk about it ..you got my yahoo ..i am there for you


storm



Hei Storm

It's kind of you. I always enjoy talking with you.

Stranger


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 02/09/2010 07:22:18
Message:

Strangers,



I am sorry to hear about your exam. I know you prepared hard. Maybe you did not do as badly as you think. I will hold on to that positive thought. you do the same


Brenda

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
-Abraham Lincoln-


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 02/10/2010 00:31:21
Message:

Hei Brenda

Thanks for your nice your nice words. I try to be positive about it .

Your friend
Stranger


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 02/10/2010 02:27:40
Message:

Life is a game
Let's just play it together


I think life is a game. we are all part of a big game and each of us has a role in this game. Maybe life is a kind of the game that never end and you never lose or win. I want just participate in this game and enjoy it. I believe to the Game Theory by John Nash. In this game we works in the group and we work for benefit of the group. we should always find he solution that's best for the group. In this way we never lose or win. becaus we don't compete with each member of group. rather than competeing individually to win we try to find the best solution for the whole group.

Strangers


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 02/10/2010 02:44:00
Message:

A Bit Good News


It seems that my new meds start working well. I have 100 mg Sertaline for depression. It's a just few days that I'm taking it but I feel a bit better . I feel less sad. I'm more energetics. I sleep less and I think about bad past events less also. Also I'm happy with my Ritaline. I have now 40 mg Ritaline per day and it helps me a lot to concentrate and I feel more calm with it. My Pdoc also prescribed just 1 mg risperdal for me. I used to took up to 12 mg before but recently I didn't take it at all. I feel better with lower dosage of Risperdal. I'm at least not like Zombie anymore . Also I lost 4 kg after that I reduced my risperdal which is a good news. I'm happy about losing that weight. Acually my appetite decreased and I don't feel that much hungry anymore.


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 02/10/2010 06:55:24
Message:

I am so glad to hear that! You deserve all the good coming your way. So glad the meds are working for you.

Here's to continued success!

Brenda

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
-Abraham Lincoln-


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 02/11/2010 21:37:10
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by brenda75

I am so glad to hear that! You deserve all the good coming your way. So glad the meds are working for you.

Here's to continued success!

Brenda

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
-Abraham Lincoln-




Hei Brenda,

Really thanks!!!

Your friend
Stranger


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 02/21/2010 07:18:49
Message:

Finally I did my TOEFL exam. It was not as bad as GRE exam but it was more difficult than I expected. The exam was more than 4 hours. I'm really tired.

We will see what will happen!

Stranger


Reply author: worried mind
Replied on: 02/21/2010 18:12:54
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by strangers

quote:
Originally posted by brenda75

I am so glad to hear that! You deserve all the good coming your way. So glad the meds are working for you.

Here's to continued success!

Brenda

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
-Abraham Lincoln-





Hei Brenda,

Really thanks!!!

Your friend
Stranger


damn ...thats where my picture went ...i hope to see you soon in our litlle private picnic spot ....kiss


WM


Everything I learned in life,
I learned from calvin and hobbes.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 02/22/2010 18:48:19
Message:

It's now 6 a.m. Last no I didn't sleep. I'm too worried about the result of my exam that I cannot sleep but at least I did some interesting stuff to take off my mind from exam. I search for university in USA and now I'm also reading the book "Universe in a Nutshell" by Stephane Hawking. This is a reallly interesting book. It's the book that Stephane Hawking wrote after the book "Brif History of time". this book is mainly about:

Quantum mechanics
M-theory
General relativity
11-dimensional supergravity
10-dimensional membranes
Superstrings
P-branes
Black holes

Stranger


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 02/23/2010 04:43:43
Message:

I'm sure you did fine! I know it's hard not to worry though. I'm sorry it's affecting your sleep.

We have a thread over in the social forum about what we are reading now, if you want to share.

http://www.mytherapy.com/discussion/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=22245



"God's gift to us is life...Our gift to God is how we live it."


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 02/26/2010 18:17:57
Message:

Thanks Brenda & Sorry for my late reply.

Stranger


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 02/27/2010 01:01:47
Message:

You're welcome. The more the merrier! I'm a self-confessed bookworm. I always have been.

Brenda

Mommy needs a time out! Brenda75


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 03/05/2010 21:05:43
Message:

Today I have appointment with my Pdoc at 1:00 P.M. I'm really nervous about it. I don't know why but every ime I have appointment with my Pdoc I become nervous. This time I want to tell him more aout my childhood. I think I had problem since my childhood. In first year and second year of elementry school I didn't have any friend. I hate the school and I escape from school at first day of school. every morning I was crying and telling to my mom that I don't want to go to school. sometimes I preten that I'm sick. I also cry in the school alo and because of that other students humilate me. My mother always thought I cannot even finish high school but fortunately now I got my master degree in physics. I became interested to study when once I went to an observatory with school. That time I was 11 years old and from that time till 19 years old I used to g to astronomy class and observatory. that time I became interested in astronomy and after that in physics. so I chose physics as my major in university.

something more about my childhood, I always had sleeping problems and I was afraid of darkness. I slept always with light on. I'm still doing it . in my childhood and also teen several times when i woke up in the middle of night, I saw something in my room. most of the time it was a man standing near my bedroom. it was so scarry. I had never talked about this stuff with my Pdoc. Iwas always afraid of talking about that. When I was child I wasn't sociable at all. I didn't like to playy with other children most of the time and I prefered to be alone or be with an adult person. i was really afraid of being seperated from my mother. Evan I didn't like to be with my aunt alone. When I was 15 I got sever depression and it affect my performance in the school but I didn't receive any treatment for that. When I was 17 I had voice in my head. It was powerful vice but I wasn't scared I was so excited about it. When I was 19 I had another mental brek down. I had sever mood fluctuation. at the mornng I was happy and had a good feelin. I felt drunk but I couln't think at all. In the evening I had hallucination. I saw everything fuggy and the color of everything was different. In the middle of the night when I woke up I see something in my room again. I had sever though disorder and it affect my performance in he university alot. Also at the age of ten I thought that my mother or stranger in the street can read my mind. When I was very young I just like few foods and I avoid eating other foods. I was very tiny. Sometimes I thought that my mother put meet of a horrible animal in my food and I avoid eating hat food. When I was in second year of elementary school I had difficult time sleeping because I thought I will die if I sleep.

That's it for now ...

Stranger


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 03/06/2010 07:46:01
Message:

I had my appointment with my Pdoc today. I talked for 30 min but I had more things to say. He want me to see him next week to coninue our discussion. he think our discussion today was pretty well and I could express my emotions and feelins well. I talked mainly about the points that mentioend in my previous post but I add more things to that also. I told him I'm sometimes sexually attracted to the girls and once I loved a girl very much but I had never told her. I told him that I have feeling of hate and love together towards people. he told me this is ambivalent feeling and it's part of my mental problem. I mainly talked about my difficulty in childhood and teen. He think my expperiences was really terrible. I told him I feel alone and I love to talk to someone and want someone hug me but Idon't want to have sex with anyone. He asked me if I like to accept him as my friend and be hugged with him. my answer was yes. He think hat's pretty good. I also told him that sometimes I hate my mother. He told me this is also part of my ambivalent feeling. I asked what should I do about this. He told I should only think about positive things in my life and should avoid the negative and ambivalent issue in my life.

The next time I want to tell him more about my childhood.

Stranger


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 03/07/2010 09:30:35
Message:

Hppiness


Stranger


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 03/08/2010 18:24:38
Message:

Stranger,

I appreciate your honesty in your posts about your feelings. Talk, talk, and talk some more. It really does help. It's like opening up an old infected wound and letting all that posion out. I am in that process now. It is hard and painful. But you will feel so much better in the long run. I promise.

Brenda

Mommy needs a time out! Brenda75


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 03/10/2010 08:08:51
Message:

Hi Brenda

Thanks ror your encouragement. I agree with you it's painful process but I hope I get good result at end. recently I just remembe huge amount of memory. I wrote them in my diary and it took almost 30 pages. I cannot wait till my Pdoc again I talk to him. It's very hard to wait for an appointment and then you have only short time to talk. I wish I could have more appointment with my Pdoc but I cannot afford it.

Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 03/11/2010 08:21:15
Message:

I suddenly felt sad, broken, down and depressed

Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 03/11/2010 08:52:31
Message:

I'm so sorry. Do you want to talk about it? If not that's ok too. We're here for you! I hope you feel better soon.

Love,

Brenda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 03/11/2010 12:02:38
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by brenda75

I'm so sorry. Do you want to talk about it? If not that's ok too. We're here for you! I hope you feel better soon.

Love,

Brenda



Hi Brenda

Really thanks for your support. you are really wonderful person. I took 4 mg clonazepam and I feel drowsy. I think I go to bed now. Maybe I talk about it tommorrow. Also thanks for the nice picture.

I wish you a good day!

Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 03/12/2010 06:36:03
Message:

I don't feel well just bad memories come to my min continously. I cannot stop tem. I have a session with my Pdoc tomorrow and I'm very nervous about that. I have too much things to talk about that I don't which one I should choose and even thinking about that stressing me.

Life is A Game!


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 03/12/2010 11:02:03
Message:

Do you have PTSD? I do, due to the severe sexual, physical, and emotional abuse I survived from both my parents. I have times when I think the flashbacks, memories, and feelings are going to send me off the deep end.

I have dealt with this for many years. it's only recently I opened up to my counselour and began talking about it. trust me, it WILL help. But, I will warn you it does get worse before it starts to get better. Talking about it brings up all that old pain. But the more you talk, the better you will start to feel. then you will learn coping skills that work for you. I am just now discovering healthy ways to cope. Instead of self-destructive ways. I'm allowing the abuse to continue by abusing myself. i just picked up where my parents left off.

It is HARD. But it is worth it.

You are a survivor Strangers. Never forget that.

Love,

Brenda


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 03/13/2010 08:15:07
Message:

Good morning Strangers,

How are you feeling today?

Hope your feeling better.

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 03/13/2010 10:33:00
Message:

Hi Brenda

You ar really kind to me. Really thanks for your support. You are an angel. Yes I might have PTSD. I had experience of the war when I was 4 years old and I also later in my life has been abused physically and sexually. You are right opennig up at the first is really painful. But I hope I get result at the end.

Today I had my appointment with my Pdoc it was supposed to take 1 hour but it took 2 hours because after 1 hour I got epileptic attack. At the first of our session I talked about my past memories for half an hour. I told him also that I liked to cut myself last night, again drink alcohol, and jump down from a high building. Last night also I waked up at 2:00 a.m after a scarry nightmare which was related to my bad memory and I got bad headace and couldn't sleep for two hours. I got 2 clonazepam and then slept close to my mother like a baby . But hopefully I could sleep well.

The second half an hour of the session my Pdoc talked me about religion and how it can help you and also told me about experience of people who commited suicide and was to close to death. He told me all of them were telling that was really horrible experience. He belive that is a big sin and God doesn't forgive you. I told him although whole of my family are religous I don't believe to any religion. He told me also I shouldn't waste my life. I should think about my family and my friends especially him (my Pdoc). He told me he love me very much and doesn't want to lose me. I also asked him if he like to see me outside his office for example in a coffe shop and he answered yes. He told me he love me very muuch and I have a good character and I'm interesting person and he really love to know about me more.

After one hour I was still sad and he gave me a hug and kiss but suddenly the past memories came back and I got epileptic attack ....

He prescribed me three more med for me one for depression, one for anxiety and widthdraw from alcohol (I was alcoholic before but in last one year I didn't drink at all except two weeks that I was in Netherlands far ffrom my family) and one for stopping nightmare due to PTSD.

Now I feel nervous and drowsy still and also tired. I think you guessed it from my really poor language today. Always after epilepptic attack I feel really tired and drowsy.

Sorry if I writed to much but again really thanks for your support. In addition I think you will be a great psychologist . you could guess well that I might have PTSD.

I wish you a good day .

Stranger

PS. I loved the picture in your last post .

Life is A Game!


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 03/13/2010 17:24:06
Message:

Good evening Strangers,

I would like to thank you for your support in my blogg too. It really means a lot to me. More than I can express.

I am so sorry to hear about your abuse. I think we have to go through a grieving process as survivors. I mean, so much is taken away when your mistreated. Especially at such a young, tender age. The mind kicks into high gear to protect us. I disassociated myself and built walls and suppressed my anger. It is just now I'm coming to terms with this and trying to gain control over my life. Control is something abuse victims have stolen from them and it is a struggle to regain that back.

I'm so glad you have a wonderful pdoc. It's important you can feel comfortable and trust in someone.

Are you alright after your epileptic attack? When I worked in the hospital and had a patient have one, they would sleep for hours afterwards and then feel o.k. I hope you are feeling well.

I hope the meds he prescribed work for you and quickly. I understand the urges to cut, I battle that every day. It is a coping skill I developed when I was 10 and I battle it to this day. I am 34 years old.

I LOVE that picture in your last post. Beautiful.

Please take care of yourself and keep in touch. Thank you for your compliment on working in the psychatrict field. It means a lot to me.

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: metasegue
Replied on: 03/15/2010 23:25:47
Message:

Strangers,

I've studied enough psych to know that "transference" is to be
avoided in therapy. It's a process where the patient becomes involved
in an emotional relationship with the therapist. In short,
they "fall in love".

I'm not trying to undermine your positive feelings toward him but
considering your history of sexual abuse and the fact that you had
a siezure following the hug and kiss is rather telling. Keep your
distance physically and try to maintain emotional objectivity in your
sessions.

Keith

A little constructive
paranoia can
be useful....


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 03/16/2010 16:14:33
Message:

Hi Brenda

First sorry for my late reply to your post. Actually I didn't feel good last few days and thanks for your support. it mean alot to me.

I had again epileptic attack on sunday and Monday but it was not as bad as saturday. Today I was shaking a bit and now I feel numb. anyway thank you for asking that how I feel.

PS: sorry about my poor language. My head is really fuzzy and I struggle to find write words.

Take care
Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 03/16/2010 17:17:37
Message:

I have appointment with my Pdoc tomorrow. because of what happened in last session I'm really nervous about my appointment tomorrow. I really want t have 1 hour appointment with him because there are many issue that I like to talk to about it to him. but I'mm not sure he have enough time. I think I can have half an hour appointment with him. I don't know how he feel about me after what happened in the last session. I hope he still like to see me out of his office. Actually I didn't fall in love with him. But I considered him as a real friend. I cannot wait till tomorrow ....



Life is A Game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 03/18/2010 17:17:12
Message:

Cutting

Today I liked to cut again. I didn't cut myself. everytime I feel I like cut myself I thinkk how much bothering it might be for my mother so I try to distract myself from cutting.

Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 03/19/2010 18:24:16
Message:

I hate having sex


In last few days I chat with almost 100 boys and after having lots of sex chat I realized that I hate having sex and I found it really disgusting!

Life is A Game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 03/19/2010 18:53:46
Message:

the persian new year will start tommoroow night at 9:00 P.M. we have holliday for two weeks and I just hate it because it means we might have lots of guest in our home and we should visit some relative. hopefully they are not that much. But I'm not sociable person at all. I like to visit few close relatives maybe just my brother,one of my uncle, and one of my aunt. But recently I even don't enjoy seeing them.

moreover, I hate this holliday because i get used to see my Pdoc at least once a week but the holliday means that i cannot see him for a least two weeks. That is really bothering me. but on the other hand my Pdoc told me that he like to see me out of his office in the holliday just as a friend not for herapy. but it's not for sure because he's out of the country 2/3 of the holliday. At first he wanted to give me his mobile phone but at the end he just gave me his email and he told me he doesn't check his email frequently. So I didn' really get if he really want to see me in holliday or not.

anyway I'm trying to distract myself from thinking about him but chatting with lots of boys . yesterday and today I spend many hours just chatting, sending my pic, giving my cell phone number, talking with them and try to arrange date but I'm not sure that I go to any of my date. After my previous experiences I still don't feel ready to date with boys. Just when my Pdoc give me a hug and kiss I had epileptic atachk and I don't wwant it happen again especially in front of stranger. I know my Pdoc now for about 10 months and I really trust him and I know he doesn't want to bother me and even he doesn't want to have sex with me. I'm thinking how I can manage to have a date with boys that I just chat to them for max one hour!! It sound impossible and I think my Pdoc won't also recommend. I somehow like to meet new people and socialize more but I'm afraid of that too.

Stranger



Life is A Game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 03/19/2010 19:13:56
Message:


I'm walking DSM IV



On Wednesday I had appointment with my Pdoc for 45 min. At first he asked me about the bad experience that I had in previous session. I actually I metioned in my previous post that after he kiss me and give me a hug I had kind of epileptic atack. Just some past memory about two of my boy friends came to my mind and he asked me to describe the memory and also talk about the negative arts of my previous relationships. He also asked me to make a list of all of my boyfriend with their pic and write some lines about each of them. He told me last time I was in a state between consciousness and unconsciousness.

at the end I asked him what's wrong with me. he laughed and told me you are completly healthy but you are just walking DSM IV. He told me I have Pschotic disorder (NOS), depression, anxiety, PTSD< OCD, ADHD, some personality disorder (he doesn't specified it yet) plus he mentioned a name of mental illness that I had never hear before and I asked him to spell it for me but he refused and told me you just need tpo heard it once and that's enough for you.

Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 03/21/2010 04:46:08
Message:

I'm proud of you for not cutting Strangers. Do you know what triggered the desire? You don't have to answer that for me. it's just for me, it helps to figure out what set me off and got me wanting to cut. What did you do when you decided you wasn't going to cut?

Please be careful with the online chatting and sex. Sex is wonderful between two loving people who care for each other on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. I think when you find that, things will change.

As always, love to you,

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: metasegue
Replied on: 03/22/2010 00:33:37
Message:

Strangers,

Glad you mentioned the kiss/hug/siezure episode to your pdoc. This
will help him stay on track with you. Trust Brenda, she's very
wise and obviously cares about you.

Keith

A little constructive
paranoia can
be useful....


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 03/23/2010 17:22:03
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by brenda75

I'm proud of you for not cutting Strangers. Do you know what triggered the desire? You don't have to answer that for me. it's just for me, it helps to figure out what set me off and got me wanting to cut. What did you do when you decided you wasn't going to cut?

Please be careful with the online chatting and sex. Sex is wonderful between two loving people who care for each other on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. I think when you find that, things will change.

As always, love to you,

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.



Hi Brenda

First I'm really sorry for my late reply. It's now our new year and I'm busy with visiting relatives and having guest at home. second Really thank you for your continous support in my blog. It means alot to me. You asked a really good question about cutting. It made me to think. Actually honestly I don't know the exact answer to your question about what make me feel to cut but I just know that alcohol and drug trigger it. Also most of the time this desire happens when I'm high and exited. It might sound strange but when I'm depressed I have less desire to cut myself. Some kind of musics like house music also trigger it. In nut shell everything that make me excited might trigger my desire to cut myself. Even thinking about sex make me to cut myself. before, many times happened to me that I felt numb and emotionless and that time I cut myself to feel more alive. when I see my blood I feel more alive and also it calmes me down. I hope my answer makes sense and help you.

when I decide to not cut myself I try to relax myself with something. some relaxing music, warm bath, watching a movie, chatting with a friend, writting about my desire to cut, trying to imagine that I'm talking with my Pdoc about it and try to remember his answers, talking with my mom, or just sitting close to her, playing with my cat, comming to MT,....

Also thanks for your advice about online chatting and dating. I completely agree with you about that.

Again Thanks for your support
Stranger



Life is A Game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 03/23/2010 17:35:07
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by metasegue

Strangers,

Glad you mentioned the kiss/hug/siezure episode to your pdoc. This
will help him stay on track with you. Trust Brenda, she's very
wise and obviously cares about you.

Keith

A little constructive
paranoia can
be useful....



Hi Keith

Thank yo for your support. I'm really glad that you read and write in my blog and sorry for my late reply. I completely agree with you about all you said. Brenda is really wonderful person.

Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 03/23/2010 19:18:42
Message:

Thank you strangers. What you say makes perfect sense to me.

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 03/25/2010 17:44:46
Message:

Dear Strangers,

How are you doing? I hope you are well. Just thought I'd check in and see how you are doing. Also wanted to say hi!

Brenda



Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/01/2010 06:13:58
Message:

I didn't write here quite for a long time and now I feel I need really to wite about what happened during the last few weeks. Actually during last few weeks I spends many times chatting with different people. I wanted to find some new friends and also maybe a bf. I talk with phone with about ten boys and I met two of them. Bu actualy during my first date with one of them I got seizure and I felt really bad. He was nice, well-educated, kind and intelligent person. But after 2 hours I felt really bad and after the seizure I explained him about my mental problem. Actually now after these few weeks I feel worse. I think I'm not ready to start a new relationship. I'm not strong enough for that. I got depressed and every evening I start crying. I had really bad pain in my heart and in my whole body last night. I had terrible headace and feel like vomiting. I wanted to cry by I couldn't. Just I had tears in my eyes. My psychosis also has been returned. My sleep is messed up. I can't slepp during the night and I slept during the day too much. Also I have horrible nightmare. One night I had a nightmare that my ex bf want to kill me. and every where was full of blood and etc. Unfortunately we were in holliday about 2-3 weeks and I couldn't contact my Pdoc. I really missed him and I need to talk with him. in three days I have an appointment with him. about my dates I just ended today.

Life is A Game!


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 04/01/2010 07:29:20
Message:

Strangers,

Three days feels like forever doesn't it? I'm so sorry about all that has happened. Do you think you need a medicine adjustment? Maybe a tweak on the meds will help. Sometimes our system can get so out of balance with all the meds and then add stress and physical pain and you get a big pile of

Stay strong. If your symptoms get worse PLEASE don't hesitate to seek immediate help. I care about you and would hate for anything bad to happen to you.

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/01/2010 08:55:09
Message:

Dear Brenda

Really thanks for your kind words. Yeas three likes forever. I feel really stressed and can't stop thinking about my appointment with my Pdoc. Yea you are right maybe I need some med adjustmant.

again really thanks for your continious support!

Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: metasegue
Replied on: 04/02/2010 04:50:37
Message:

Hi,

What's your sign Strangers? The date helps. Don't need the year.
You need all the tools necessary for self understanding. Don't
disregard astrology out of prejudiced thinking. Maybe we can help.
Linda is Cancer - very sensitive. Lynn and Brenda are both Taurus -
strong, determined, and trustworthy. I'm Pisces - just plain spooky
but compassionate to a fault.

There are alternative methods for dealing with epileptic siezures.
The cross firing of neurons between the motor cortex and the percep-
tual cortex in the corpus collosum can be mitigated through
meditation and yoga.

Forget about the guys for awhile. focus on you.

Keith

A little constructive
paranoia can
be useful....


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/02/2010 14:37:45
Message:

Hi metasegue,

Really thanks for your support!

actually I was borned in the 12 December. thank you for your advice about Yuga I decide to give it a try. about meditation I use to do TM long time before but I stopped it. maybe I start it again.

In Friendship
Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/02/2010 14:52:37
Message:

I don't feel OK at all. I try to forget about starting a new relationship but it's hard. I have psychosis. I'm depressed and feel like crying all the time and I can't sleep during the night. I can't wait till my appointment with my Pdoc.

I have also very silly and stupid thought in my mind. I had actually somehow sex (if I can call it having sex at all) with that guy in the first date we met each other. we didn't have intercourse sex, I was on my last days of period, and I was with my cloths on. but he ejaculate on my hand. after that I washed my hand with soap and water but still I feel I might touch my vaginal after that and I might get pregnant. I know it sound silly.

I know that the spermm can live about few minutes to 4 hours outside body but if it be wiped out it cannot live more than few minutes. but I can't stop feeling that I might get pregnant. anyway I decide to take a pregnancy test tommorrow to be sure. I told about this to that guy but he just laughed at me aand then saied he need go to sleep. I decide not to be in contact wih him anymore.

Now is 2:00 A.m. I can't sleep and I don't feel well. I think I need a distraction. probably I will try to study. It's about 3 weeks that I didn't study at all and I feel really bad about that.

Life is A Game!


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 04/02/2010 18:18:46
Message:

Strangers listen to me. These are your symptoms of psychosis talking not the real you. You can not get pregnant by having sperm on your hand. I know you have to be in agony. My heart goes out to you. Don't feel bad for any of the choices you have made these last few weeks. Yes, you own them, but don't beat yourself up over them.

I am anxious for you to see your doctor. PLEASE keep us posted on how it goes. Please be honest with him so you can get the care you deserve. don't be ashamed of anything.

With community love,

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: metasegue
Replied on: 04/03/2010 06:19:01
Message:

Hi Strangers,

Alright, now we have some information to work with. Dec.12 is
Sagittarius with Leo influence. It's a fire sign which means you are
passionate but impulsive. It's a mutable sign which indicates change
and adaptability. It's positive meaning aggresive. It's ruled by
Jupiter which means expansion and growth in spirit. Sag's are either
athletic or intellectual and depending on which trait they begin with
- they will most likely end up with the other.

They love adventure, gambling, and physical risks. Freedom is very
important to them. They have powerful egos. They are a dual sign -
(Centaur) which emphasizes the "change" factor. Their polar sign is
Gemini and they'll feel a kinship with them. They are optimists.
They're not good with money and need sound advice. Sag's are rather
vulnerable when young like you. They guard their emotions and resent
jealosy. All in all, it's a damn good sign but they really have to
watch that tendency toward risk taking - especialy the young.

I urge you to study your sign. It's a key to your future. Meanwhile,
listen to Brenda, she's a good solid earth sign and will
help you balance your need for excitement with some caution.

Take care, Keith

A little constructive
paranoia can
be useful....


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/04/2010 01:44:53
Message:

Hi Brenda,

Really thanks for yur support. You cannot imagine how much your support means to me. today I had my appointment with my Pdoc in the morning. I will tell about what he said in my following post.

In Friendship
Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/04/2010 01:53:45
Message:

Hi Metasegue

Really thanks for sharing this interesting info about my sign with me. Actually it tells alot about me. Also thank you for your advice about studying my sign. After the info you that you shared with me I became really curious to know more about my sign. I will try to find some info in the internet.

Best wishes
Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/04/2010 02:51:25
Message:

My appointment with Pdoc


Today I had an appointment with my Pdoc at 8:15 in the morning but he was late for the appointmet about 45 min. I was really nervouse before my appointment and I just couldn't wait to meet my Pdoc. actually recently i have appointment with him once per week but due to our holiday I didn't see him for three weeks. I had alot to say but i felt very anxious and during the appointment I felt numb and my speach was blured and very slow.

I told him about what happened during the last few weeks. I told him about chatting in internet and dating. He didn't like the idea of chatting and dating with more than one person. I told him also that I had sex with one guy at the first day that I've seen him. He think I'm doing very dangerous things and it might cause trouble for me. I also explained about what happened during sex with that guy. He think what was happend is a seizure. actually I had also few other seizures during last few weeks and he think it's not good sign.

He actually banned me from having any emotional relationship. He even think I should not also chat about emotional topics. I told him I don't like this and I feel very alone and I need to be with someone but he think till I get completely OK I shouldn't start any new relationship. He told me he's afraid that if i continue like this I get seizure more often.

actually I took EEG before and it doesn't show any abnormal sign but he think that EEG in that way cannot say everything about my condition. He think to know about my condition I should be hospitalized and they should measure my brain wave for at least 24 hours non stop but he think that also might not be that much useful because the condion in the hospital is far from my condition in normal life. He made actually a joke about it and told me either we should ask someone to have sex with you in the hospital when we performing EEG or we should ask one of the dinosauers in the Jurasic Park to come and scare you during EEG .

He think for now for not feeling lonely I should focuse more on improving myself in academmic level or I should try to focus in finding a suitable job. He also told me that I should only involve in he conversation with my friends about daily life such a academic subjects and job etc and try to not get emotinal at all. He also remind me that I should not even drink one drope of alcohole and I shouldn't smoke marijuana, hashish, etc and don't chat with any of my ex boyfriends.

I told him also that I'm not attraced sexually to the boys. He think it's because my libido has been decreased and surprisingly he think it's better for me to be like this because he think I'm too impulsive and might make trouble for myself.

I told him also that I'm somehow sexually attracted to the girls more than to the boys. He thinks that's no problem and I don't need to suppress this desire. Only those people who feel bad about this desire toward themselve need psychological help but for me is OK to have this feeling.

I asked him what should I do to be completely OK. He told me I should try have a healthy life and be a good girl.

My next appointment with him is next week.

Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: metasegue
Replied on: 04/04/2010 03:19:41
Message:

Hi Strangers,

I'm not in a position to give you advice concerning your sexual
orientation except to say; there are many bisexual women
(married and single) who lead normal lives with no ill effects.

For astrological research go to Astrodienst on the web. check out
Jungian astrological psychology. You'll find it rewarding.

May I ask where you're from?

Keith

A little constructive
paranoia can
be useful....


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 04/04/2010 08:01:01
Message:

It sounds overall like the appointment went well. I have to agree I don 't think the test would be as accurate because it's not in your everyday surroundings and life.

I'm proud of you for being so open and honest with your pdoc. You have to be to get accurate care.

I don't agree with stifling your emotions. You need to talk or post about what is on your mind. That is just my humble opinion.

I do agree with putting a hold on a sexual relationship right now. I think you need to concentrate on you and getting better. Men just mix that all up. It can be a very confusing time. i am sure it is with you right now.

It's perfectly normal to explore your sexuality at your age. If your more attracted to girls. That is O.K. As long as YOU are O.K. with that. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

Yes, stay away from the alcohol and illicit drugs right now. They won't help. If anything, they will make your situation worse.

Thank you for updating us and keep on posting. We're here for you as always.

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 04/06/2010 02:20:38
Message:

Just checking on you. How are you? Thinking of you.

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 04/10/2010 09:04:56
Message:

Hey, you were on my mind. How are doing?

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/10/2010 13:17:43
Message:

Hi Brenda

Really thanks for asking. you brought tears in my eyes. Yo are really wonderful and caring person. actually in last week I got paranoind about thinking or even writing about my emotions and mental illness. I think I went through the stage of ignorance. even when now I wrote the word mental illness. I felt odd about it. I also stoped aome of my medication and I was thinking to cancel my appointment with my Pdoc for tomorrow but anyway now I think I will go to my appointment.

I just can't function normally. all I do during the day is watching movie one after the other. I should atudy but I can't concentrate at all. I had also bad feeling in every part of my body. I had a feeling that my body is going to fall apart. when I close my eyes I see that lots of blod are comming throught out of my skin. I really feel like to cut myself but I just try to distract myself.

.... anyway again thanks for reading and writing in myy blog.

stranger

PS: thanks for really prety picture!

Life is A Game!


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 04/10/2010 14:30:55
Message:

Strangers you are more than welcome. I worry about you.

Please keep that appointment with your pdoc. It sounds like you might need a med adjustment or something along those lines.

Don't push yourself right now. Take it easy between now and your appointment. Be kind to yourself.

Keep us posted.

Love ya,

Brenda



Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/11/2010 09:37:29
Message:

Today I had an appointment with my Pdoc and for some reasons it doesn't go well. I felt dissapointed and worse after the appointment. I felt I'm just wasting my time with him.

I use to see him once per week but now I decide to see him in 2-3 month.

I feel somehow that he cannot undrestand me. Today he told me that all of my problem has been caused because my boy friends in the pat but I told him that I didn't have also good childhood. he asked me why. and my answer was something like my father liked me alot before I went to school but after that he became cold to me. He didn't talk that much to me and all the time he tried to ignore me.

On the other hand my mother used to bit me alot and was too harsh to me. also my parents didn't have had good relationship at all. all the time they were fighting with each other and I used to hear from my mother that if it was not because of you I wouldn't tolerate this life and I would get divorce. actually our problem was more than this but I'm not in a good mood to go to more details.

I don't know maybe I'm just nagging and all of this is nothing at least my Pdoc made me feel like this.

anyway after I got 6-7 years old i felt I don't have father any more and sometimes even I wish all my family die in an accident and I can get rid of them. I know you might think I'm devil person but it was just what I wished when I was very young.

Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 04/11/2010 14:03:00
Message:

Strangers,

You are entitled to feel how ever you feel. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You're not a devil for having your feelings. You were treated badly. No way can you come out of that without scars. These feelings are important. have them, examine them, learn from them. Don't try to stifle them or ignore these feelings. Though I will tell you, you may feel worse before you feel better. It's like a festering wound that needs to be lanced. Hurts like hell while it's festering and hurts when you cut it open. But once you get all the bad out of there it will start to feel better and can begin to heal.

It is possible and you can do it.

I'm here for you.

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 04/17/2010 04:42:00
Message:

Strangers,

How are you? I hope you're doing better. I'm concerned you haven't wrote in a few days. Are you o.k.?

Remember, we're all here for you.

Thinking of you,

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/18/2010 12:36:35
Message:

Hi Brenda

Glad to see you here posting and thanks for asking about me. Actually recently I was trying to not think about my mental problem so I decide not to write here but it seems that it's not possible.

Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/18/2010 12:57:19
Message:


Recently I tried not to think about my mental illness but I wasn't successful in it.

Today I got an IQ test and unfortunately I found that my IQ has been dropped by about 5 points. Actually I don't know how much the test was reliable. The last time that I got IQ test was about 13-14 years ago when I was in first year of high school.

I wonder if my IQ has been decreased due to mental problem, or abusing drug & alcohol. I asked from one of my friend who is GP about relation between mental problem and IQ and he told me just disease such as Alzeimer can decrease mental problem. I also asked several years ago from a Pdoc about it and he answered me that your mental problem cannot affect your IQ but I'm not sure he was honest with me. actually I feel that my IQ has been decreased during the years. Also my friend told me that antipsychotics can decrease the IQ.

Anyway I will asked about my current Pdoc about it in y appointment next week. actually I stopped getting my Risperdal. It's about 3-4 months that I decrease it from 8 mg to 1 mg and it's a few days that I stopped it completely.

I talked about my concern about my IQ with my mother and she tld me maybe it's a good idea if you asked your Pdoc for an IQ test. I'm no sure but maybe I do it but I'm scared about the result. I want to search more on effect of drug and alcohol on IQ later.

Life is A Game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/18/2010 19:13:53
Message:

I used to read a bit about philosophy of science especially physics before. now again I'm considering to start reading about that. who knows maybe I chose it as my major in future.

Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/18/2010 19:58:42
Message:



Now I'm reading the book "Chromosome 6" ...

Here is a link on review about this book:

http://www.largeprintreviews.com/chromosome.html

Life is A Game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/18/2010 20:22:14
Message:

I plan to go to gym today!

Life is A Game!


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 04/19/2010 00:46:33
Message:

Hey Strangers,

I honestly don't put much stock in IQ test. They are just a generalized test and not suited for individual IQ testing. In my opinion. Read more books, try doing things opposite the way you would normally do. Example if you brush your teeth with your right hand trying using your left. It uses different sides of the brain. I wouldn't worry about the IQ test if I were you.

I love Robin Cook! Haven't read that one though. Right now I'm reading a book on your inner child. Therapy stuff. It's very interesting.

I've started back walking again. Have fun at the gym.

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/19/2010 05:21:50
Message:

Hi Brenda,

Thanks! I feel better after what you said about IQ Test.

Have a nice day
Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/19/2010 05:55:55
Message:

Me & My Dady(0-5)


In last few days I was strugling not to think about the past but it seems that I cannot stop myself. so I decide to write a little bit about that here. In this way maybe I can get rid of thinking about that. They are not horrible memory. they are just some random sad and happy memories from my childhood.

I first start about my relationship with my father. Actually I have two older brothers one of them is 32 and the other 34 and I'm the only girl and the youngest. Actually I don't think that my father treat us differently. Yes actually he treated us as an individual but he loved all of us the same (I guess). But my grand mom always enjoyed to tell me that my father got really happy when found he got a daughter.

As a child before going to school my father used to play with me alot. We had really nice tme together. Even my cousin was jelous about my relationship wih my father and used to say nasty things about my dad but anyway she was only a child one year older than me. I used to play lots of crazy game with my father. I loved to watch cartoon and then pretend that I'm one of the character of the cartoon and also used to gave some role to my father and he was lways eager to play his role.

Since my brothers were older than me normally they didn't play with me or if they let me to play I should do whatever they liked and I didn't like that. It was the same with my cousins also because at that time I was the youngest. So I mostly prefer to play with adult people.

My father used to get a break from work in the noon and spend some times with us and then back to work in the afternoon about 3. He used to bought me a book everyday and in his free time he used to read it for me. He always put his finger under the word when he was reading. So I learned how to read in the age of 4. I also could tell whole the story word by word from my memory.

In the evening my father used to take me to the small park near our house and I had lots of fun there. Before the bed time my father used to tell story for me and most of the story was created by himself and he even let me to change the story as I liked.

Life is A Game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/19/2010 06:48:36
Message:

Me & My Dady


For some unkown reason my dad took a distance from me gradually since I went to school. He spent less time with me and he became cold twords me. By the age of ten I felt I dodn't have father anymore. even my mother used to tell me imagine your father is just dead. He barely talked to me, he never huged me anymore, and he just give me a kiss in my Birthday and the first day of new year .... In my late childhood and teenage I was dreaming about have another father.

....

later on when I was in Netherland (2005-2009). He just talked to me on phone twice per year and every time for 5 min.

Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/19/2010 07:38:58
Message:

Some harsh things about my family


sorry for just nagging. Maybe what I write here is nothing but I cannot stop thinking about that right now. I think maybe I feel relief to write about it ...

1. My mother used to punished me alot. She used to hit me harshly for no reason.

2. I uesd to cry a alot as child and my mother just hated this and everytime I started to crying he hited me and then I cry again and she hited me again. Sometimes instead of crying I start to laughing undelibrately and she would get really angry and punished more.

3. after punishment I used to escape to my room. My mother had removed the key so I couldn't lock the door. I just used to sit behind the door and cry calmly and sometimes I start biting my arms. My youngest brother always was waiting to hear me crying and he forced to open the door and teasing me and tell my mom that I'm crying and drag me there and show the mark of biting on my arm to my mom then it mean normally a harder punishment and humilating.

4. As a child when I was young I loved to play piano or flute but even I was not allowed to listen to the music. Actually till I got to high school I wasn't allowed to listen to music and that time I start to listen music without letting my parents know about it

5. I was not also allowed to go to any kid parties since I was 8 till 14 and that time I wasn't anymore willing to go to party.

6. My mother always used to punish me in the case that I got score lower than A. even when I was just in first year of elementry school she used to threaten me that she will go and leave me alone forever and she used to pretend that by going out of the house for several hours.

....continued

Life is A Game!


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 04/19/2010 12:57:50
Message:

Strangers,

This is therapeutic. You can't hold all this in and hold it back forever.

I'm proud of you.

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/20/2010 14:36:59
Message:

Hi Brenda

Thanks! So you don't think that I'm spoiled and the things that I just wrote is not important at all. Do you think it's good idea if I also talk about this stuff with my Pdoc. actually I always feel guilty when I talk about being treated bad as a child.

also I have another stupid fear. actually my mom go to the same Pdoc that I go and I'm afraid if my Pdoc talk about what I told him to my mom. I know he's not allowed to talk about it but still ... and I'm afraid if he asked from my mom she deny all the stuff and then my Pdoc will think that I'm a lier.

actuually in the past when sometimes I talked with my mom about what she did to me, she just denied all of that and acuse me of not being grateful to her about what she has done for me.

Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/20/2010 15:10:25
Message:

Today I spend lots of time reading book chromosome 6. It's really exciting book and I couldn't put it down. I also watched TV a bit and also talked with my mom a bit.

In the evening I got restless and I had lots of flash back memory from the past. especially about when I was seriously psychotic. I started also to do some pointless googling which I'm embarressed to talk about that.

I also wrote a bit in my note book for my Pdoc. but I couldn't write everything I wanted to write because everytime I decided to write I get really anxious. I decide to be more organized about what I want to talk about it with him.

last week after my appointment with my Pdoc I felt that I really don't want to talk to him anymore or at least for a while but now I cannot wait for my appointment on saturday. I have lots of things to talk about it.

Tomorrow I want go to gym at the morning and I should sleep early tonight but now is 2:40 A.M here and I cannot sleep yet. I hope I can go to gym tomorrow.

Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 04/20/2010 16:08:17
Message:

Strangers,

I don't think you're being spoiled at all. What you have to say is very important. Very, very important. You need to talk about these things and not hold them inside. It will just make you sick if you do. I speak from experience.

Is your pdoc also your therapist? My pdoc mainly prescribes my medicine and my therapist I talk to about every thing else. We're working on a lot right now. But it's all about baby steps. Do you have a separate therapist from your pdoc? By law, he is not supposed to tell anyone anything you tell him. Not even your mom.

Are you on any medication for anxiety? It sounds like that might help you in that area. Also deep breathing exercises help. Though don't try to practice when your anxious. You have to get it down before you get into that state of mind. I have been listening to hypnosis and relaxation cd's they help sometimes. If I take steps before my anxiety gets out of control. It's learning your triggers, and your body. The way you feel before you get psychotic. Take notice and be proactive to help it keep from escalating. It's not easy in the beginning, I'm working on this myself.

I'm so proud of you. Don't ever feel guilty for the way you were treated as a child. The adults that did those things are to blame. Not you. You were only a child. You didn't deserve it, you didn't ask for it. Remember that.

Brenda



Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/20/2010 20:12:56
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by brenda75

Strangers,

I don't think you're being spoiled at all. What you have to say is very important. Very, very important. You need to talk about these things and not hold them inside. It will just make you sick if you do. I speak from experience.

Is your pdoc also your therapist? My pdoc mainly prescribes my medicine and my therapist I talk to about every thing else. We're working on a lot right now. But it's all about baby steps. Do you have a separate therapist from your pdoc? By law, he is not supposed to tell anyone anything you tell him. Not even your mom.

Are you on any medication for anxiety? It sounds like that might help you in that area. Also deep breathing exercises help. Though don't try to practice when your anxious. You have to get it down before you get into that state of mind. I have been listening to hypnosis and relaxation cd's they help sometimes. If I take steps before my anxiety gets out of control. It's learning your triggers, and your body. The way you feel before you get psychotic. Take notice and be proactive to help it keep from escalating. It's not easy in the beginning, I'm working on this myself.

I'm so proud of you. Don't ever feel guilty for the way you were treated as a child. The adults that did those things are to blame. Not you. You were only a child. You didn't deserve it, you didn't ask for it. Remember that.

Brenda



Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.



Hi Brenda

I appreciate your support. You are really kind and wise person. I'm sure you will be a good counselor in future.

Thank to you Now I feel much more confidence about my childhood.

Yes, my Pdoc is also my therapist. He prescribe med and also I have psychotherapy almost once per week or once per two week.

Yes, I'm on medication for anxiety. I was in inderal before but it didn't work for me at all. Now I'm supposed to get chlorodiazepoxide twice per day but also this med doesn't do that much for me. Actually at first I felt a bit difference. at first it decrased my anxiety but for some reason i felt it makes me depressed. So I stoped it. Now I just get it ocasionally. actually I read in the internet that this med is very addictive and shouldn't be prescribe more than 4-6 week but my Pdoc prescribed it also for my mther and I think now it's about 5 month that she takes it and she told me she get dependent on it and when she forget to get she feel really terrible. so I'm a little bit afraid of using this med. I'm also get clonazepam for sleeping which I think also can reduce anxiety. Actually clonazepam doesn't make me feel sleepy but I think it calms me down.

Also thanks for avice about getting rid of anxiety. actually I used to do deep breathing excercise before. I think it's a good idea to start it again. i also want to go to yuga class but they don't register now. I should wait for it about 1-2 month. I used to do TM too before which is as already you might know is a kind of meditation. I hope I start that too again.

Good Luck with getting rid of anxiety


Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/20/2010 20:36:09
Message:

My Childhood


I want to write about some difficulties in my childhood:

1. My parents were always fighting with each other and I used to hear from my mom that if it was not because of me she would divorce but honestly most of the time I just felt it's better if they just divirce

2. My mother became very religous person when I was abot 6-7 years old. I don't say being religious is not good but I think she just was too radical.

3. She also forced me to be religious person

4. she used to frighten me with lots of scarry story about how God will punish bad people and describe about the hell. Actually in those early age I belived to whatever she use o tell me and was really scared of the God and I had really scarry and dark image about the God. Even I used to call the God with bad words when I was just about 6-7 years old. my father opposit to my mother isn't religious person and in my young age I was so scared that my father go to hell after his death

5. I also used to hear scarry story about death. I had a teacher in a seccond year of elementry school who used to tell us after you die you will never see your parents and you might die any moment even in sleep. after that I got seviour sleep problem. I was so scared to sleep because I thought I might die when I'm in bed. My parents first decide to took me to the psychiatrist but then they just forget it and just try to force me to go to bed and sleep but it doesn't work. after a while they start to tell this story to my brothers and some close relatives such as my uncle and my aunt and they used to tell me that you are a big girl and you should be ashamed of yourself. actually I never told us why I can't sleep at night.

6. In those age I also start to see unreal things sometimes when I woke up in the middle of the night. For example seeing a man stand near my bed. I was so scared of that and it made more sleeping problem for me.

.......

Life is A Game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/23/2010 13:14:58
Message:

I just hate my parent especially my father and I donn't like think about them or see them. Just thinking how my parents treated me especially in my childhood makes me mad. I don't wan to explain abput that. first because I think nobody even my Pdoc can understand me. second I'm not even sure why I hate them that much. Third even thinking about that make me mad.

Now I'm really in a bad mood. even today I just wished that my father die.

when I was child many times when my family were out of home I just wish somebdy call me and tell me that they dide in an accident.

Although most of my life I hated school, when I was teenager I wished I could stay in a school 24 hours and don't go home.

anybpody have an any idea how I can get rid of these terrible thouughts?

Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 04/23/2010 14:02:58
Message:

The one thing that helps me is to talk about it. I also keep a paper journal that I journal everything into. You think I write a lot in my online blog? Nothing compared to my journal.

I was never able to be angry at my parents for what they did. I have always blamed myself. But I see now, it wasn't my fault. I was a 7 year old child. NOW I'm angry with them. Having a hard time dealing and expressing that anger too. Some days I think the only way I'll have closer is when he's 6 ft under.

Just be kind to yourself through this time. I really don't have any magic words...I wish I did. I'd make it all go away. Don't feel bad for feeling like you do.

We're in this together.

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 04/26/2010 08:15:10
Message:

hi. just me checking in with you. i know you're having a hard time right now.

thinking of you,

brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 04/26/2010 11:44:52
Message:

strangers,
My heart goes out to you.
I am very much hoping that you and your doctor
will continue working together to
get you better.
It is admirable that you are brave enough
to be honest about your symptoms.
This way you can get help.
The very, very best to you stragers.
We are all thinking about you.

Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/26/2010 13:44:32
Message:

Brenda & Leruok

Really Thanks for your nice words. I areally appreciate your supports!

Best wishes
Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/26/2010 13:47:57
Message:

yesterday I have an appointment with my Pdoc. actually the appointment didn't go that much well. I told him about my desire to kill people and also killig myself. He thought I'm not myself. actually I had appointment for 45 min and although after 40 min my Pdoc told me I should end the sessoion I refused it.

actually my main meds are Risperdal 8 mg and depaken 500 mg and clonazepam but in last couple of months I didn't get them. I also told this to my Pdoc and he became very angry and he told me either I should get my med or I should be hospitalized and get injection. He also told me he will do blod test to be sure I'm getting my med.

actually at first that he heard about that he told me he don't like to have me as his patient anymore and he will send me to anther psychiatrist. also during our conversation he told me you you argue a lot with me and it's not the right way.

anyway I'm not sure he accept me as his paitient anymore and it's very painful for me.

Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 04/26/2010 19:52:45
Message:

Stranger,
If I don't take my medications, I
get very sick too.
Now you at least know why you aren't well, because
you haven't had your medications for
a very long time.
This has happened to me too.
Can you explain to your doctor that you want
to continue being his
patient and that you are willing to
take the medications?
This may calm him down and
make him feel like he is better able
to help you.
strangers, I am very glad you are here.
It is very wonderful that you
reached out for help when you needed it.
I am very proud of you, and I'm
sure everyone else here is
too.

Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/27/2010 01:05:37
Message:

Hi Linda

Thanks for your nice words. I'm really glad to have you here.

actually today my mom called my Pdoc and told him that I have started my meds again and asked him if it's possible that he see me again.

He told it's OK. He believe because I had every week psychotherapy I get tired and it's better for me that I have a break from psychotherapy. actually it was the same thing that I was thinkinng about that and I posted about it couple of weeks ago.

So for now I have appointment with him once per week and every time about 10-15 min.

I'm also really glad that I could get support here. actually people here are very caring.

In friendship

Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/27/2010 04:47:45
Message:


I like to make a huge explosion somewhere .
Isn't it beautiful?

Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 04/27/2010 07:23:33
Message:

I'm glad everything worked out between you and your doctor and you're back on your meds. Things will start to even out now. The shorter visits sounds like a good idea right now. Maybe you're just to overloaded. Need a little break.

we're always here for you. Just remember that.

Love ya,

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 04/27/2010 11:41:00
Message:

Strangers,
I am so happy that your doctor will keep
seeing you.
It's really good too, that you mom
is helping you.
I hope that you will now be able to feel
better.
It is so good to have you here.
Your freind
Linda


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 04/27/2010 11:42:28
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by leruok

Strangers,
I am so happy that your doctor will keep
seeing you.
It's really good too, that your mom
is helping you through such
a difficult time.
I hope that you will now be able to feel
better very soon.
It is so good to have you here.
Your freind
Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/27/2010 13:55:53
Message:

HI Linda & Brenda

I really appreciate your support and I'm glad to have you here. actually I feel a bit better but those disturbing thoughts came back again today especially in the afternoon.

Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/27/2010 14:15:47
Message:

Today again I had those disturbing thoughts. I felt very agitated and restless. I just tried to keep myself busy with doing some chorse, comming to the internet, reading book, watching TV, ....

and in the evening I went shopping with my mom. I got really tired after that but we had really good time. I bought some piece of cloths and some cosmetics. I bought two T-Shirt, one short Jeens, two tops and two skirts. I also bought a really nice box of chocolate for my Pdoc. I also bought two nail polish (blue and orange), two lip-stick (orange and dark pink).

after comming back home my mother polish my nails. now I have blue nails .

Stranger

Life is A Game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 04/27/2010 17:58:17
Message:

strangers,
Blue nails...that sounds like fun!
I think it will probably take some
time for the thoughts to
go away.
The longer you stay on your medications,
the better you will feel.
Of course, you are a very smart person,
and already know that .
I sometimes hear the radio in my head when
I'm not doing well.
But once the medications start to
work, it goes away.
I'm glad you had a good time with your
mom...nothing better than moms sometimes.
Keep on having fun...it always
helps cheer you up.

Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/28/2010 14:10:37
Message:


Psychosis 1


last time my Pdoc asked me to talk about my past and present psychosis but I found it really difficult. eventhough I try to write them sometimes and take notes with myself in my appointment, most of the time I just can't talk about my psychosis. even I cannot read from my notes loud. My Pdoc asked me to write them and then give them to him to read it but it sounds to scarry for me. I'm just afraid of his reaction. sometimes I feel really embarrased to talk about my psychisis and many times even when I want to remmember them I just frick out. But I think now it's the time to just startit and at least take a baby step.

actually one problem is that I had psychosis over long period of time and they changed a lot in my whole life and get worse. even I think I had them when I was chhid. also last year I had lots of different psychosis at the same time about different topics different voices, different hallucinaion. It ws like I'm in battle between God and devil.

I want just start write down whatever I remember in a piece of paper and then organize them by subject and time but it seems whenver I want to write them down all of them comes to my mind with so fast speed that I cannot catch up my thoughts.

Stranger

Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 04/28/2010 14:23:05
Message:

Linda is right. The longer you stay on your meds consistently the farther apart in time this psychosis is likely to stay away.

Have you tried using a tape recorder to record your thoughts? If writing them down on paper isn't being effective a voice recorder would be excellent. You can find them fairly inexpensive. I would strongly suggest that to you. That way you can keep tract of your thoughts and go back and listen to them. Writing things down doesn't work for all people.

Stay on your meds and keep your chin up.

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/29/2010 17:21:55
Message:

Today after one year I just decided to organize my books and I succeed in it . My mom just told me that I had done really good job and I should write it down as a positive thing. I was surprised actually by what she just said. Before maybe she just could admire me if I get nobel price in physics (a bit exagerating ). I think after one year finally my Pdoc could convince her to not expect too much from me .

Stranger

Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/29/2010 17:34:34
Message:

Another baby step


I might become a physics tutor. It's not 100% sure to me yet but I found a high school student through an institute who need physics tutor. I'm a bit excited about it. It might not be my dream job but can be good start to go back to my professional life.

I'm also a bit stressed. I never have been a teacher before officially. during last few days I'm just trying to figure out how should I do my best in teaching. I don't like to be a boring teacher and I want to make my student interested in physics but it sounds really difficult to me.

I have no idea about her. I don't know yet how much he learned before. what she expect from me and ....

It might be hard to work with teenagers but might be also fun. I try to just calm myself down and see it as an opportunity to improve my life and also help someone ....

Tomorrow I can call her about noon and then I will know more about her and probably we will fix a time for next week ...

Stranger

Life is a game!


Reply author: metasegue
Replied on: 04/29/2010 19:54:54
Message:

Hi Strangers,

Brenda's comment regarding tape recorders and record keeping is a
good one. I use a little hand held sony. Works great. It's always
a hit to hear your own voice anyway.

Keith

A little constructive
paranoia can
be useful....


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/29/2010 20:19:16
Message:

Hi metasegue & Brenda

Thanks for your support in my blog. actually the idea of getting a tape recrder sound good. but I'm actually scared of hearing my own voice .

anyway I will think about it and let us you knpw what I did about it.

Stranger

Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/29/2010 20:25:17
Message:

Electric guitar



I ordered an electric guitar. I probably start to get lesson the next week. My guitar color is black metallic. I might put a pic of it here later. I like more the metal & Rock style but probably I will start learning Rock. Actually I used to play flute before but I have never tried guitar in my life.

Stranger

Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/29/2010 20:28:41
Message:

another baby step II


It was about at least one year that I couldn't finish reading a book except my Language book but finally yesterday I finish the book "Chromosome 6". Maybe I go to book store today and buy a new book.

Stranger

Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 04/29/2010 20:35:26
Message:

That is awesome you can play the flute? Now you're going to learn the guitar? That is wonderful! I'm sure it is something that will definitely help you relax and gain confidence in yourself. I can't play anything. I tried guitar a few years ago but never got the hang of it.
Good luck!

Do you have another book in mind? I think I'll check out that Robin Cook book. I used to read him quite a bit.

Take care of yourself,

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/30/2010 10:08:39
Message:

Hi Brenda

Thanks! yea I also playing an instrument make me relax. I don't have any other book in my mind now but I might also check other books fom Robin cook and if I could find it in book store I will buy it.

Stranger

Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 04/30/2010 13:26:55
Message:

We fix the date for physics class for comming thursday. It's not still 100 % sure that I can get this job. She want to see me oonce and have a one session with me then decide to continue or not. In the first session she will come with her mom probably. The class will be at my place.

I cannot stop worring about this. If she doesn't like my teaching I probably cannot find another student through that institute. My mind is preocupied with hw should I teach. How should I treat her and ....

because of that today I didn't fell good.

I didn't talk to her yet. I can call her on Monday or tuesday.

Stranger

Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 04/30/2010 13:52:32
Message:

strangers,
Try not to worry...if you can relax and
feel comfortable, it will
help your student to feel comfortable also.
Try to concentrate on your
student, and not on yourself.
You can practice this.
Maybe concentrate on your mom, and what she
is saying, and try not to
think about yourself. See if you
can focus on what she is saying, and
nothing else.
Then repeat what she said back to her
to see if you really understood.
I practice this sometimes when
I've come through a bad time. It
helps me to get my brain back in order
somewhat.
You could try this with anyone in your life.
If you can make this a habit, you
will be much more comfortable.
But it takes time. I'm still practicing
this too. But it really does help.
And congratulations on your new guitar.
That sounds like a lot of fun.
I'm glad that your having fun.
It sounds like you are starting to feel a little
better .
Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/03/2010 08:35:25
Message:

Hi Linda

Thanks for your wise advice. I will give it a try. actually long time ago I used to practice in he class or practice when I watch TV. Now that you told me this I remember that it was helpful for me.



Stranger

Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/03/2010 08:44:13
Message:

Pdoc Appointment


I had appointment with my Pdoc this week and I tried just to control myself and not behave like the last session. actually going to the mental hospital might be the last thing I want in my life. I've been there before and doesn't have nice experience at all.

H told me he is not angry of me and he think that I behaved liked that becausee I just didn't get my meds. I talked to him about my previous psychosis and some other stuff.

The next session I can have psychotherapy again.

Stranger

Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 05/03/2010 10:07:07
Message:

strangers,
That is so good that your pdoc understood.
He sounds like a very good doctor.
I posted to you in Lynns blog.
I hope your doing well.
How are you feeling since you started your
new meds, is it helping you to
feel better?
I am hoping so, you deserve to feel better.

Linda


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 05/03/2010 14:57:07
Message:

I'm glad to hear your pdoc was understanding Samira. That makes a big difference. How are you feeling today?

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/04/2010 12:54:12
Message:

Hi Brenda

Thank you for asking. actually today I was quite good till afternoon but in evening I felt really depressed and anxious and I had a bit psychosis.

Stranger

Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/04/2010 12:59:56
Message:

I just found recently that I have Thalassemia minor. It's not something life threatening but I read somewhere that it can cause mood disorder. My doctor prescribed fulic acid for me. I didn't tried it yet but I hope it be helpfull.

Stranger

Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/04/2010 13:06:04
Message:

I did blood test recently and I just found that I have thalassemia minor. I know it's not life threatening disease but I just read somewhere that it can cause mood disorder. My doc prescribed fulic acid for me. I didn't take it yet but I will ry it soon and I hope it will be helpful for me. One problem with this med is that I heard it's not good for stomach and recently after having endoscopy I found that I have some problem in my stomach too (I don't know the exact name of it in English). I also takes med for that too. Tomrrow I have appointment with my doctor for that and I will ask if I g=can get fulic acid or not.

Stranger

Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/04/2010 13:12:32
Message:

I forgot to ask for Ritaline from my Pdoc and I just run out of it. today I didn't get any Ritaline. maybe it's the reason that I didn't feel that much well. I tried to prepared myself for the teaching physics on thursday but I couldn't do that much and I just fricked out. I think I should wait for the Ritalin at least for one week that makes me so nervous but I'm just trying too calm myself. I'm a bit worried how would be my class on thursday without Ritaline.

Stranger

Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/04/2010 14:39:00
Message:

2 A.M

Tomorroow I have plan to go to fitness and since in afternoon I have an appointment with my doctor I should go to gym quite early in the morning but unfortunately I cannot sleep. i got two clonzepam but it seems that it just doesn't work for me.

I just hate lay down in the bed and not be able to sleep. I always have problem to fall sleep and when I fall sleep I have problem to get up.

Stranger

Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 05/05/2010 06:16:31
Message:

Sorry you're having trouble sleeping. Enjoy your work out. Let us know how your pdoc appointment goes.

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/05/2010 13:20:27
Message:

Thanks Brenda actually today I didn't have appontment with my Pdoc. I just have appointment with another doctor. My appointment with my Pdoc will be on next week.

Stranger

Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/05/2010 13:22:45
Message:

i read a bt about brainwashing in internet and surprisingly I notoced that what I had experience last year sounds like kind of brainwashing. Now I'm wondering if I had really psychosis or I just was brainwashesd. later I will explain about my reason more

Stranger

Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 05/06/2010 11:34:24
Message:

Hey Samira,

Just popping in to say hi and I hope you are having a good day. I'm interested in hearing more about the brainwashing. Sounds interesting. I have an open mind to just about anything.

Look forward to your next post.

Brenda



Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/07/2010 01:01:05
Message:

Hi Brenda

nice that you are interested to hear about brainwashing. I think this is a good link o how brainwashing works. I will post soon my experience with psychosis and its similarity to brainwashing.

http://health.howstuffworks.com/brainwashing1.htm

Stranger

Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 05/07/2010 09:42:23
Message:

strangers,
I hope everything is well.
How is your teaching going, or have you
decided to wait until your
a bit more comfortable?
When you get a chance, let us know
how you are doing.

Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/07/2010 12:01:34
Message:

Hi Linda

Thanks! Actually I don't feel that much well. I have voice in my head especially in the evening.

My student didn't appear and didn't even call me which made me upset at that moment but later I found she got food poisioning. So she wasn't able to come.

She is supposed to come in comming tuesday. I found another student too but we still didn't arrange a date for class.

Thanks for your support.
Stranger

Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 05/07/2010 12:08:35
Message:

That was really interesting to read. Thank you for the link.

Something to think about...

Love ya,

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 05/08/2010 09:23:31
Message:

I'm worried about you. how are you doing today?

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 05/08/2010 09:48:47
Message:

strangers,
Like Brenda, I'm thinking about you.
You seem to be a good communicator
and able to express your
concerns well.
I have all the faith in you that you and your
pdoc. will be able to come
to a good decision together,
one that will help you get better.
And one that will help live your life the
way you want to.
If it takes longer than you thought it would,
that's ok, many of us have been through
similiar hardships.

Linda


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 05/09/2010 21:39:13
Message:

strangers,
I'm so happy that you and your doctor are
talking well.
Like everyone else here, I am so
proud of you.
It is not falling down that matters, but picking
ourselves back up that counts.
Your picking yourself up slowly, and this
is difficult.
But you are doing so well.
Keep going, and you will feel better soon enough.

Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/10/2010 09:51:46
Message:

Hi Linda & Brenda

Thanks for your nice posts!

Stranger




Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/10/2010 09:55:03
Message:

My last session with my Pdoc:

One positive point inn the session was that I told him that I was brainwashed after dicussing with hm now I'm almost convinced that it wasn't true and it just sound ridiculous to me.

Stranger




Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 05/10/2010 10:43:00
Message:

strangers,


Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/10/2010 19:42:07
Message:

Thanks Linda but unfortunately because of what happened just recently I decide not going to this Pdoc anymore.


Stranger

Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 05/10/2010 19:56:10
Message:

strangers,
I hope you can find a pdoc that you feel comfortable
with.
I'm worried about you.

Linda


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 05/11/2010 06:24:59
Message:

I hope you can find a new pdoc very soon. One that you like and can talk to comfortably.

It really aggravates me that the p doc would not give you the name of the medication you were going to be injected with! I mean, my gosh, it's your body. You have every right to know what it's called and any side effects it has.

Thinking of you,

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/11/2010 09:12:02
Message:

thank you Linda & Brenda! You both are really kind to me.

but actually I'm not sure that I want to see any Pdoc anymore.

with Love
Stranger

Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 05/11/2010 09:44:34
Message:

strangers,
From what you have told us here, I know that you
want to be able to teach.
And you are educated and very smart.
You have expressed your desire
to use your knowledge to help other people.
Do you think that you will be
able to do this without
medication?
And have you researched other medications on
your own?
There may be newer medications that you aren't
aware of.
Whatever you decide, please don't give up on
yourself.
Keep us updated...we do care
about you, and want the very best
for you.

Linda


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 05/11/2010 14:44:05
Message:

Hey Samira,

Was just thinking of you. I hope you are feeling better now. How are you?

Brenda



Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/11/2010 14:59:02
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by brenda75

Hey Samira,

Was just thinking of you. I hope you are feeling better now. How are you?

Brenda



Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.



Really Thanks Brenda. Actually after posting in MT and reading the replies I feel more calm.

with Love

Stranger

Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 05/11/2010 16:39:36
Message:

strangers,


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 05/11/2010 23:17:45
Message:

I'm glad to hear you're feeling calmer. Take care of yourself and remember we're always here for you. You have a lot of people here Samira that care for you.

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 05/12/2010 10:03:55
Message:

strangers,
I hope that you are feeling better this morning.
We are all hoping that there
is something that you can find that
will help you get better.
That would be very wonderful.

Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/12/2010 10:35:09
Message:

Hi Linda

Really thanks for your kind support. actually now here is amost 10 PM.

anyway although I didn't sleep that much last night I had quite exiting morning. I went to a hairdresser and I got hair cut. I was full of energy at the mornig and I talked a lot with the people there and I really enjjoyed being there. actually it was the first time that I met this hairdresser and I found her really nice person.

actally I was quite happy with my new hair style. I might tomorrow take a pic and post it here.

after comming back home I felt very tired I tried to tke a na but just again bothering thouhts came to my mind ....

In the evenng I became a bit psychotics and depressed and felt restless ....

This morning I also called my Pdoc and ask him if next week I can just get the prescription for the med and after I search in internet about the med I decide to get injection or not but he told me I caannot tell about this now to you and I will tell you what you should do whenever you came here.

Stranger




Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/12/2010 13:54:10
Message:


above Pic is me in about two month ago before getting my hair cut.

Today morning I got haircut. I will take a pic and put it here soon.

Sorry if I look scary .

Stranger




Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 05/13/2010 05:09:02
Message:

Just read your post about taking a break from MT. I will miss you. I hope you feel better soon.

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/13/2010 17:42:11
Message:

Thanks Brenda but I just change my mind and I'm back here again. Now I feel that the issue that EA brought up is a little bit settled down and I feel better.

I wish you a good day.

Stranger




Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/13/2010 17:48:07
Message:

I can't stop worring about my guitar now. Three weeks ago I ordered it and now I was supposed to received it two weeks ago. Actually since I don't kknow that much about elctric guitar I asked my teacher to just pick up one for me and he also ordered it. he last tme I talked to him he promissed I wil get the guitar on commin saturday and at the same day we will have the first session ... I hope he just do what he promissed me.


Stranger

Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/14/2010 05:51:14
Message:

I hate my mom. I think she hates me too.

I tried to play with my cat but she refused. my mother just were watching me and like always try to give me comment. I just ignored her. I hate the way she treats me. She treat me like I'm mentally retarted person.

After my mother went back to kichen I just tried to play with my cat but she was still not responding to me. before that she was paying very well with my mom.

I tried to control myself and not get angry of the cat but suddenly I had a strong desire to kill her. I grab her neck and pressed it she screamed and I just stopped it.

now I locked myself in my room and jus want continue reading my book.

Stranger

Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 05/14/2010 09:04:41
Message:

strangers,
I'm a bit saddened to see that you are still
not feeling any better, but
glad that you will be getting your new guitar.
Fun, fun stuff.
Strangers, I wish there were something I could
do, or say that would help you.
But all I can offer is words.
That is what is so neat about MT, is that sometimes
we read other people's posts, and get
some really good ideas about what would help
us.
But strangers, I'm not sure that you are convinced
that you have a mental illness, or that
it really has an effect on your life.
Do you believe that you do?
If you are convinced that you have a mental illness,
than how do you plan to cope with your illness?
Do you think your strong enough
to do without professional help?
Without treatment there in your hometown,
these symptoms will continue to upset you.
The only way to get better is by getting treatment.
Are you taking your medications?
I hate to barrage you with questions.
But I think in all good conscience, it would
not be fair to you, to ignore
the one big, glaring issue that you seem to be
avoiding...treatment.
I know it is scary. I know that it is hard to find
a doctor that you can trust.
Many of us have been through the very same
thing.
But as another member so wisely said...some treatment
is better than none.

I hope that today will be better for you
and that you can start to make a
plan for yourself...a plan that sends you down
the path of getting better.
Taking little small steps is all we can do when we
are not well. No more than that
can ever be expected.
But that first step in the right direction is
the most important step.
It's up to you to decided, it always
has been. No one can decide for you.
The sooner you do, the sooner you will start
to feel better. If you keep refusing
treatment, than strangers, you will
keep feeling awful.
As I mentioned before, counseling would be a good
place to start. You would be able to
discuss all your concerns and issues, and get good
direction on what kind of treatment
would be best for you. What do you have to lose
by giving this a try?
Have a good, good day...and I hope that
you will find one thing today that
makes you happy.
Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/14/2010 15:49:15
Message:

Hi Linda really thanks for your support.

actually yea guitar can be really fun but last time my Pdoc told me I'm not sure you can learn it now because your mind is really messed up. which made me really pissed off. I use to play flute and my teaher was really satisfied by my work.

But on the other hand I'm afraid that what my Pdoc told me might be true.

Yes you are right actually I'm swinging between being convinced that I have mental problem and then right after that I feel that I just don't have it.

the time that I'm convinced that I have this problem I just feel that I need professional help from my Pdoc. OK i sometimes just hate him but sometimes just can't wait to see him.

actually about my medication I don't get my Risperdal now and the last time that I met my Pdoc I told him that I didn't get it and I'm not willing to get it at all.

about counsulting I went to two counselor before but I didn't like how they treated me. But I had also counselig with my curent Pdoc which sometimes was very useful for me but in the last session he just told me you are not in a good state of mind to have counselling session. You should get new med and after that you can have counselling session again.

actuually maybe my Pdoc is right because recently in counselling session I cannot just decide what should I tell him and what I should not tell him. I'm sometimes afraid of tellling about my thoughts to him because of some reason and het told me you got thinking disorder and you have problem with making decision on your own.

ctually I have an appoitment with my Pdoc on sunday and I just decide to go to my appointment. as probebly you know from my other post he want me get an injection of one antipsychotics once per week. He promissed me that it won't cause weight gain and he told me I will weight you every week and if you get extra weight you can just inject the med to me . He's really funny Pdoc and always try to cheer me up.

Anyway I think I will just give it a try and see what happens if the med help me to think more clearly and also doesn't cause weight gain I will continue the med. Otherwise I just stop it. I think you are right I probably won't lose something by just give it a try.

At this moment I feel that I can trust my Pdoc but I hope it be permanet. Recently I change my mind just too quickly but actually since I was 19 I used to go to different Pdoc and my experience show me that this Pdoc is really more carring than oothers and it seems thta he is really willing to help me.

Plus you are not bothering me with your questions actually I found them really helpful. They just make me to be able to focus on this issue and think better.

I just hope new med don't interfer with my life to much. Now I'm almost going to gym regularly and I really enjoy it. I sleep not moore than 8 hours per day and i don''t want the med be too sedative ...

Again thanks for your time to read my post and reply to them. I' glad to have you here on MT.

Strangers





Life is a box of chocolate!

Life is a game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 05/14/2010 17:00:50
Message:

strangers,
I'm so glad to have you here too.
I think your decision to see the pdoc is very wise.
You are very pretty, and I can imagine
that you are worried about weight.
But don't worry about it...like you said, the pdoc
is willing to weigh you every week .
This pdoc sounds like he is really trying
very hard to take your decisions into consideration.
Doctors like this are sometimes hard to
find...you are very lucky.
Without my medication,
I can't make decisions either, and change my mind
a lot.
I think it's because when I'm not well, I don't
trust my own judgement.
But with medication, I have no problems making decisions.
It is very nice.
I know that once you feel better, you will be so
relieved.
But it will take time...so proably won't happen
for you overnight. Just take the
little small steps, and try to trust
yourself...that you are making
the right choices.
I still have some ups and downs, even though I'm
on medication.
But my life is much better than it used to be.
I have the very same hope for you .
Thank you very much for posting
in the social forum.
It is good to see you there. I am actually very
proud of you for trying so hard.
I'm happy you are here .
Linda


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 05/14/2010 18:26:36
Message:

I'm proud of you for deciding to give the doctor's suggestions a try. I really do hope this new med can help give you peace of mind. You have been so troubled lately. I worry about you.

I'm getting ready for bed but just wanted to drop you a quick note.

Goodnight,

Brenda



Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 05/16/2010 10:36:04
Message:

Just read and responded to your post in social. i wanted to say how proud I am of you for being open and honest with your p doc. It aggravates me he won't give you the name of the med. I'm sure it does you too.

Hang in there!

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 05/16/2010 11:07:58
Message:

strangers,
I second that motion .

Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/16/2010 11:29:34
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by brenda75

Just read and responded to your post in social. i wanted to say how proud I am of you for being open and honest with your p doc. It aggravates me he won't give you the name of the med. I'm sure it does you too.

Hang in there!

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.



Really thanks Brenda if it wasn't the support of the people in this community such as you, probably I woudn't have enough bravness to be open and honest with my aPdoc. Yes actually he aggravated me and whenever I get stressed or I become angryy my sympom get worse which also happened this evening but hopefully now I'm OK.

I'm not sure anymore to go to this Pdoc actually I think he plays with my emotions to see how I react. It happened alot with me. Mabe in this way he want to know more about me and treat me better but it ust makes me more sick and stressed.

maybe later I explain more about what this issue more.

again thanks for your support and I wish you a good day

Strangers




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/16/2010 11:33:35
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by leruok

strangers,
I second that motion .

Linda



Thanks Lynn! but honestly I didn't get what you mean by "I second motion" exactly . Sorry for my poor english but these days I'm thinking more serious about improving mmy english I love this language and I love also be communicate with people here, read novels in English, undrestand a movie completely ....

by anyway I will look for "I second that motion" in internet.


Stranger




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 05/16/2010 23:11:16
Message:

strangers,
So sorry...it only means "I agree".
This means, that like Brenda, I am proud of you
for going to the pdoc, and proud
of you for being honest.
I'm really glad your here.
I can't imagine how hard it's been for you in your
life.
I read your posts about your childhood
in the social section .
It's good that your here.
I know that it will eventually help you to understand
yourself better.
Your freind
Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/17/2010 01:52:33
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by leruok

strangers,
So sorry...it only means "I agree".
This means, that like Brenda, I am proud of you
for going to the pdoc, and proud
of you for being honest.
I'm really glad your here.
I can't imagine how hard it's been for you in your
life.
I read your posts about your childhood
in the social section .
It's good that your here.
I know that it will eventually help you to understand
yourself better.
Your freind
Linda



Really thanls Linda. I'm glad to have you here too.

Strangers

To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/17/2010 01:56:15
Message:

in my last appointment with my Pdoc he stopped my clonazepam and chlorodiazepoxide. I used to get two chlorodiazepoxid one in the morning and one in the evening and one clonazepam at night. he believe with injection I don't need thoses med any more. topping clonazepam and chlorodiazepoxide caused sleeping problem for me and I also feel agitated.

anyway I got my final decision. I won't go through injection and I neither go to this Pdoc.

Strangers

To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/17/2010 02:37:18
Message:

I'm just ****ing tired of thinking about this Pdoc. Today I just want to rest. actuallly my mom think the only thing that I'm doing since last year is resting LOL ...

I just want to lay in the bed and read my book from Joh Christopher. shame on me actually this book is written for teenagers .

I was supposed to recieve my guitar on sunday and having first session with my teacher but unfortunately he got flue but he promissed me to be here tommorrow evening with my guitar. we will see what happen. now It's about 1 mnth I'm waiting for this guitar. I will be probably be very upset if he doesn't show up tommorrow and bring another excuse.

I just send a SMS to him to know if he gets better

Strangers

To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 05/17/2010 08:06:36
Message:

strangers,
I hope you get your guitar soon.
Don't give up on your pdoc just yet.
Keep asking him about other options for medications.
It never hurts to try.
I hope you have a really good day.
Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/17/2010 08:51:37
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by leruok

strangers,
I hope you get your guitar soon.
Don't give up on your pdoc just yet.
Keep asking him about other options for medications.
It never hurts to try.
I hope you have a really good day.
Linda



Thanks Linda

about Pdoc it's about one month that I'm asking for another med and just recently after seeing me refusing to get Risperdal anymore, he decide to give this new med. I asked him about other options also but he told me hat's he best option for you and you should just accept to take any meds that I decide to prescribe to you.

I don't think there will be anymore chance for changing his mind.

Stranger




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: docsharp
Replied on: 05/17/2010 13:19:43
Message:

I had not realised this before, but if your pdoc has been talking to you about Islam, then the odds are that most of those around you will also try to push similar ideas. I trust this is state provided health care or at least if private they are funded by the state.

I was raised a Christian, but I have views that are far from what any church would have us believe but that's O.K. that's what I think is the view that Jesus would have had, that organised religion has it a bit wrong. However there are bits within both the Bible and the Quran that can help those in our situation out a lot.

Many people say that we should try to stay pure and stay away from artificial stuff such as drugs, however, there are passages within both the Bible and the Quran that suggest that we should be medication compliant, with minimal questions.

I think that the prophet Muhammad (PBUH) encouraged religious tolerance and I think I have heard of Jewish settlements within Iran not publicised in the West.

The word Christ.. literally means... the anointed one.

Anointment used to be done with oils and was for medication so.......

Does Christ just mean "the medicated one"?

Taking the meds offered may be the best way out for the present. Discuss that you are concerned about intellectual impairment and the Doctor should take it easy on you and let you have regular reviews. It sounds from this blog that at one point you got on well with your pdoc, this is the best situation for you. It is most often better the Devil you know than one you don't.

I have had a few psychoses and generally get involved with what may be considered psychotic thinking. It is totally chaotic when you look at all the possibilities and I had a rock to reach out for to keep me from falling in. It doesn't matter who that person was so long as that person had a foot in this reality.

Basically I went into Pantheism, as a form of Monotheism. I.e. the one God was in One person but also in everything. There fore my pdoc was and is, just an instrument of God, trying to help me. That goes down well with the pdoc, is one real possibility and generally a healthy thought that may well help you on your road to recovery.

I am surprised that during your upbringing the Islam teachers did not welcome questions, after all that is the only way that the Persian Empire became so great, because people asked constructive and inquisitive questions. Our Bishop used seem be a bit guarded about questions but our vicar used to like to discuss religious ideas with me.

Sorry I have gone on a bit, but I am suggesting a bit of a U-turn and don't want you to feel confused, I would rather you take the mystery meds and loose your suspicion of them, your doc may be more willing to discuss the effects once you start on them.

Be well Samira, I hope I haven't confused you too much.


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 05/18/2010 08:50:48
Message:

strangers,
I hope your doing good today.
Did you get your new guitar yet?
Stay well
Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/19/2010 09:07:35
Message:

Thank you Docsharp & Linda

Linda I actually didn't receive my guitar and I think I should forget about the guitar and cannot get back my money ...

Strangers




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/19/2010 09:11:05
Message:


I think it's better for me to avoid any stress. 1-2 hours ago I watched a horror movie and the voices in my head just got stronger. I decide stop to watch horror movies, news, stop thinking and writing about past event in my life ...

Strangers



To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 05/19/2010 09:45:34
Message:

Onward to the future! What do you have planned for today?

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/21/2010 11:49:42
Message:



I lost my dad today. he had a seviour Alzeheimer and it was about 1 myear that he was living in place for eldery people. acually I haven't seen him about two month. Today he passed away by heart strok at 4:00 AM.

This morning when I was sleeping in my bed my mother just came to my room crying and told me that my father just passed a way. I'm still in shock and I don't know how I feel about it.

I know I'm completely disorganied now. But I cannot stop writting about my thoughts and feeling if I have any.

Recenly few times I told my Pdoc that I hate my Dad and I wish he die soon. Now I think I don't have any right to grieve about my dad. whenever I feel sad about hat I cannot see him anymore I just feel I'm jus preending and I stop myself to show any emotion ....

I hate also crying. I try to just keep my mind busy to not think about him anymore. When I saw his picture today suddenly I had flash back mmemory from my childhood. There were good memories but I jus try to stop myself.

.......

Strangers




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/21/2010 12:58:38
Message:


Today we had rough time and tommorrow is funeral and might be even harder than today. I just don't like funeral. I just want to belive that my father is just living somewhere else in this world healthy and he is enjoying his life. I don't want to see they burry my Dad. I just so hate that.

She might not be perfect dad but I belive nobody is perfect. maybe the words that I told about to my Pdoc "that I just hate my dad and I wish him to die" was really stupid and selfish but it was a long time that he was just in s much pain and he wan't the person that I knew him and maybe I just wantedhim to be in peace.

But honestly want I really wanted was that he became the same dad for me when I was very young.

My relation with father was very complicated and ....

I just cannot write anymore. My mind kjus cannot stop but I'm shaking and feel dizy and ...

................

Strangers




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/21/2010 13:42:44
Message:


A really kind post from Davidt in my thread "For my Dad". I really enjoyed this post and I just wanted to put it here to be sure I won't lost it.

[My thoughts on losing my mother which you may find consoling Samira...


How do we let a parent go...
How do we say 'I'm ready now
to go on without you'....
How can we ever have a clue of what that really means?

And of a sudden
The moment is upon us, and there's no turning back.

And then we know what grief is
and guilt and love and things undone.

Try to prepare and we will fail in some way, be it subtle or looming .

But there is peace too.
Peace and acceptance and overwhelming love that we maybe weren't aware of.
Waves and waves of conflicting emotion
And laughter too,
and memories we hadn't bothered lately to recall
come flooding back in shared company.

And there's gratitude... so much of that, that we had you, such a wonderful person.
Bright and shining, nobody's fool,
Independent, but humble too;
Smart, and kind, and fun.

A part of you has passed away, but much is carried everyday within us, and will as long as we are of this life.

This may be a final tribute,
A day to celebrate your life and say goodbyes;
But it's not final.
Everyday we'll celebrate in some way, just by the virtue of how you shaped our lives.
The absolute and incredible fortune that we knew you.


Much love is sent to you at this momentous time in your life, David



If you work these communities ... there's a good chance these communities will work for you!]

Stranger




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 05/21/2010 15:59:26
Message:

Samira,

Get those feeling out. What ever you are feeling is alright. Those are your feelings and you're entitled to them. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I know this must be a very hard and confusing time for you right now. Your dad is at peace now. He isn't hurting anymore. I know you are hurting. I'm so sorry for your loss. We're here for you.

Love,

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 05/24/2010 02:43:52
Message:

Samira

Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/24/2010 11:11:49
Message:

Thanks Brenda! I'm really happy to have you here in MT.

Strangers




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/25/2010 10:18:03
Message:

a Kind post from David in my thread "For My Dad":



You can shed tears that he is gone
Or you can smile because he has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.


written 1981

David Harkins 1959 -

Silloth, Cumbria, UK


Really thanks davidt!




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 05/25/2010 11:25:21
Message:

strangers,

I hope your well.
Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/25/2010 11:30:23
Message:


Thanks Linda!
I hope you be well too.

Stranger





To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/25/2010 11:57:51
Message:


as Brenda already mentioned I need to get my feeling out but I don't know how to do it. I juts start writting here in my blog hopping it helps me. also I decide to see a coundelor. My moher knew one. She had conversations with him two times and she thinks she's is the good one. actually my mother went to her in the episod that I was in Germany in my aunt house. That time I was in a seviour psychotic episode and I didn't use to talk with my mom hat much but with what my brother and my aunt describe about me the counselor told my mom that I have psychosis. Untill recently I didn't know that my mom know about my psychosis ....

I actually cannot still talk about most of my feeling out of MT with someone. I think my mom just won't understad me. I'm not in contact with any friend out of MT and also I cannot talk with my brother or anyone else about my feelings.

I posted before a bit about my relation with my dad and I don't know f it's useful to think about thta anymore or not but I jus give it a try. I hope it doesn't make me feel worse.

I had really good realtaion with my dad till I was about 8 (I don't know actually know the exact time because our relation has been ruined gradually).

Actually according my father doctor he had Alzheimmer at least for 5-6 years but he started to visit he doctor sice last year after my mom forced him to go but he was in stage 8 of Alzheimer and it was really late to do something for him. although he used medication but the medication didn't work for him and he gradually get worse. My father always refused to go to doctor not only for this case also for many other reasons. I don't know why but two of my uncle (his brothers) was the same as him. Recently I'm thinking maybe refusing to go doctor might have something related to kind of belefs or whatever ... he actually never talked about religion with me. I have never seen him praying God or ... but I can say he was a good man and try to help other people especially the poor one very much. sometimes even I thought he try to help other people more than us ...

My mom believed that my father has metall illness at leas since they met each others. she also told me she forced him to see a Pdoc in the first year they got married and he used to take some meds but my moms didn't tell me about the diagnosis but she thinks he got worse gradually ...

I don't know why Im writting this stuff here ...

Strangers




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/25/2010 14:26:30
Message:


It's now 2:00 AM I couldn't sleep. I just took an IQ test in http://www.free-iqtest.net and surprisingly I got quite high score > for sure the test wasn't reliable LOL .


Strangers




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/26/2010 11:26:21
Message:


just some plan for next week (starting from comming Saturday)

1. I will start my regular exercise agian.
2. Sunday at 5:00 PM I have an appointment with a phychologist
3. looking in newspapre for job again (Actually for some reason the last job tha was offered to me was cancled ).

......

Strangers




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 05/26/2010 14:35:01
Message:

strangers,
It's a good thing that you are setting goals.
I know I do much better when I have
goals, even if they are just small
ones.
I like writing in my blog...and sometimes,
I'm not quite sure why I'm
writing what I do..it just kind of comes
out,
whatever I'm feeling or thinking
at the time.
I like reading other peoples blogs too.
I see what they go through, and I don't really feel
like I'm that much different, unique, but
not different.
Take care of yourself today,
and good luck on those goals.
Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/29/2010 08:35:27
Message:


Thanks Linda

With Best wishes
Strangers




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 05/29/2010 09:29:10
Message:

Those are great goals. I find setting goals for myself makes my life more manageable.

How are you feeling Samira?

Good luck on those goals!

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/30/2010 09:58:45
Message:


Thanks Brenda!

Stranger







To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/30/2010 10:30:03
Message:

today I had an appointment with psychologist but I wasn't in the mood of that so I just canceled it. I don't know if I did right thing bt anyway it passed. maybe I try later. Before cancelling the appointment I thought I'm not willing to talk with any counselor anymore and I thought I have nothing to tell her so I just cancelled it but after that immidiately I felt maybe I did wrong thing.

Stranger



To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 05/30/2010 10:39:58
Message:

strangers,
It's so good to see you post.
You know, you mentioned the traumas that you
have suffered.
This is not something that would be easy to talk
about. I'm so very sorry that you
went through this.
But, when you feel ready, and comfortable,
it will help you to talk about it with
a professional.
I hope you will decide to do so soon.
I have made an appointment with a counselor too.
I have never been for any length of time,
and kept backing out too...I'm not sure why.
But now I feel like I'm ready.
No one can force you...that would not be good.

You can try again, and again, until your ready.
No one can be as scary as the memories
that you carry...those are the most freightening,
and will be so very good to let go of.
Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 05/31/2010 09:41:44
Message:


I don't know how I can describe how I feel. I'm even not sure how I feel. sometimses I think I'm just fine and sometimes I think not.

I just hate to think about my dad anymor. each time I remember him an image of a dead body come to my mind. It's like he want to touch me, rape me, kill me .... I hate thses images I wish I just could stop them.

I want to be free of these thoughts again. I wnted to get numb again. I want don't feel any pain anymore. I just wish I could fly to another world. In a world that here is no pain, no fear, no nightmare, ....

when I think about my father death I just feel I had never a father. Only rememer vague memory of my childhood but that's also full of pain and I just try to stop it.

At the morning they called us about my dad and told my father died., my mom just hug me crying and told me that you don't have a dad anymore. i felt my mom is just playing i was so unreal to me. Not because I didn't believe he is dead but because I just remember almost whole of my life my mom telling me imagine your father is dead and that tie that my mom was crying I felt it's just a big joke.

Strangers




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 05/31/2010 10:44:14
Message:

Feelings don't always make sense, do they?
I think when a person has been through
so much hell, all the good feeling get stripped
away somehow...the trust, the willingness
to depend on others for anything.
But...when you are ready to reconnect with
yourself...and what you are feeling,
you know the doctors and counselors are
there to help.
It is scary to trust others.
And if you can't understand your own feelings, how
can you understand others?
Yes, it would make sense that everything seems
like a joke...like it's not real.
But you will get better when you finally decide
to reach out for help.
I just hope you don't wait too long.
The older we get, the worse the illess can get.
You need to hold on to your intellect,
and what grasp on reality that you
do have...your a very smart lady,
and very strong to go through all that you have.

Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 06/01/2010 07:02:29
Message:


Thanks Linda

actually I decided to see a counselor tommorrow. I have an appointment with him tommorrow at 3:30. Please wish me good luck.

Strangers




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 06/01/2010 10:43:28
Message:

Samira,
I do, do, do, hope for the best on this day.
You are making progress...I can see
that in your posts.
I am hoping the very best for you at counseling today.
Fingers and toes crossed.

Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 06/01/2010 11:02:52
Message:


Thanks Linda for your continuous support. I really appreaciate that.

Strangers





To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 06/01/2010 11:06:59
Message:


I try hard to know what's real and what's just in my mind. I don't know but probably what I want to write here might be confusing and might someone think that I wanted to deceipt to them and I just hate that. But I think I should open up finally and wrote about this somewhere.

actually recently I'm thinking alot about if I made myself sick or I'm really sick. I mean in some moments I think I'm just pretending to have mental problem. I don't say everything in the past was just OK with me but for now I'm just unsure ...

actually it has a long story ...


Strangers




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 06/02/2010 10:42:12
Message:


I have felt for long time an empty space inside me. Now I think I have a clue about that. What I really missed, is real me.

Today when I was with my counselor who was one of my best friend before I just remembered those time (back to my 22). The time that I was starving for a spirtual awakaning.

I just reembered those time we passed together. although it was short because I had to go to Netherkland for study. It sound that those moments in my life with him was endless. although we knew that time that we will be seprated soon I felt that time that I rull the world. It was the purest love I ever felt inside my body and my mind.
It was like living in heaven.

Now I just want those days back but I'm so afraid. During these time many things happened to both of us and probably we have changed alot but I still want him. I'm just trying to stop myself to call him and tell these words to him. I'm afraid that it might be a just temparory feeling and I'm so afraid of being rejected by him.

actually before once he proposed me but I din't accept it because I had to leave the country but even when I was in Netherlands we were in contact with each other and I can say once he almost saved my life. I was suicidal that time and just couldn't stop thinking about killing myself by jumping from the 17 stores bulding that I used to live in. I called him in pannik and I don't remember what he told me or anything but I just know that I'm still alive yet and that's wonderful.

I just have a strong desie to call him and I feel now that I remembeed these memories I'm ready for that but I don' know maybe I should take small step and not going to fast but it's me when I wanted something badly I cannot just stop myself. I should just jump in the middle of stormy ocean and just let it go.

I just want him once more sleeping close to me in bed, touching me, kissing me, and talking to me. now that I think I believe he knew about me more than any person in the world and even more than my parents.

Strangers




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 06/02/2010 10:56:04
Message:

strangers,
When I was first with my husband, I felt wonderful,
very free. I thought all my pain had
vanished for good.
But as the years passed, I began to realize, that
he couldn't make me better, or take
away the pain that came back when the
the intense romantic feelings started to fade.
I now understand, that although two people are attached,
each one must face what is inside of
them, by themselves.
If you go through this process, and were hypothetically
to engage this doctor...you happiness will
only be temporary.
Then all the pain will again come back.
It can only go away when you begin understanding
who you are, and accepting who you
are, and then...you will understand how to
give to someone else too.
I don't want to see you get hurt.
You seem overwhelmed with intense romantic
feelings.
But don't forget...you must also learn how to
care for yourself...this is most important.
I hope you can find a way.
In the meantime, we're here to listen.
And that should be what the counselor is
there for too.
Please be kind to yourself,
and try to be patient.
Good things take time...learning how to be happy takes time.

Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 06/02/2010 12:56:11
Message:


Thanks Linda

actualy I somehow agree with you. I had before also some relations and I know a bit how it works. actually I don't expect that I will be free of pain but getting engage with him. I know that my pain will be there but I also cannot stop my life till I get completely healthy. I think part of becomming healthy is learning how to get involved with other people and as a human I need to have romance in my life. I shouldn't ignore my desire.

and don't worry I won' rush to him blindly. actually before I read your post I called him and asked him if he is free tommorrow and probably we will meet each other tommorrow evening.

Don't worry I'm careful and I don't let myself to being hurt again. I never can gauranty that but I guess it's part of our life.

Plus I'm not sure even I want more than being a close friend for him. It just need time and I can wait for it.

anyway thanks for sharing your experience with me.


Strangers




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 06/02/2010 14:53:35
Message:

Very wise stragers...yes, you do have to keep
living your life. I had not thought
of it that way.
You sound like you are aware of the possibilities,
and you are right...if we don't take
chances, then we have stopped living.
Yes, we all learn from our experiences, and
can never be shielded or protected
from some of the pain that comes
from life.
But there is also a great deal of joy for
people that are willing to
take chances.
I'm wishing the joy for you, and have faith
that you know exactly what you are
doing.

Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 06/03/2010 12:58:19
Message:


Linda thanks!

with best wishes
Strangers




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 06/03/2010 13:04:45
Message:


I met him today. It was quite good. I don't know how I feel now but I have a bad headace. I took two pain killer but it didn't work and now I can't sleep.

He was just talking non stop. Sometimes even I couldn't follow him and he used to repeat one things several times. In the middle of his conversation I just felt I want to shout and tell him I'm not a stupid girl so don't repeat everything .... but I just controled myself.

He asked me if I like to go to trip with him for couple of days. I'm not still sure but I will think about it.

I just can't stop thinking about him and it is really bothering. I wish I could just turn off my mind.


Strangers




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 06/03/2010 20:46:13
Message:

stangers,
I hope you are feeling better.
Counseling is hard isn't it?
I hope your doing good...and that from here
on out, you only get better.
You know we all believe in you.

Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 06/04/2010 06:20:48
Message:

Thanks Linda

............

I don't feel OK. I'm very sad and angry, I want to cry but I can't. I feel restless. I wish I had someone to talk with him/her about this pain but I know nobody want to hear about other people pain. I don't blame them it might be boring for them.


Stranger




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 06/04/2010 07:31:51
Message:

I'm just mesed up after I met him yesterday. I think I'm not ready to have romantic relationship with somebody especially somebody like him now. One part of me tell me that I should tell him asap but another art of me is just in doubt. I feel I might be regret later.

Maybe it was better if he just be my counselor and nothing more.


Strangers




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 06/04/2010 10:22:57
Message:


"Dark Light"

Shivers run through the spine
Of hope as she cries
the poison tears of a life denied
In the raven black night
Holding hands with

Dark light
Come shine in her lost heart tonight
And blind
All fears that haunt her
With your smile
Dark Light

In oblivion's garden
Her body's on fire
Writhing towards the angel defiled
To learn how to die
In peace with her God

Dark light
Come shine in her lost heart tonight
And blind
All fears that haunt her with
Your smile
Dark Light




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 06/04/2010 17:24:04
Message:

strangers, I'm sorry that you feel
down. Relationships and counseling
can be confusing and frustrating, not
to mention emotionally exhausting.
Your young and can take all the time you need.
My heart goes out to you...and
I hope the day looks better for you in the
morning.

Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 06/06/2010 07:15:12
Message:

Thanks Linda

I agree with you relationship and counseling can be draining. actually relationship with this friend is somehow exciting but somehow draining. Since he's a counselor he know alot about people and also since we knew each other for quite long time he know about me alot.

Maybe our relaionship became more stressful than normal because of his job. Most of the time he was talkig about his job and also his problem (he also have mental problem actually) and asked me how much he has been changed since for years ago and ... and he was also trying all of my behaviour, movement, silent, ....

In some point I felt I cannot keep up with him. He's actually very intelligent and also he's 17 years older than me which made me feel I'm a stupid girl compared to him.

He also gave his aopinion about me, he think compared to 4 years ago I became more stable which is good and he think I'm progressing but he think I became more introverted and serious in my life which is dangerou sbecause it makes me depressed.

I told him I think I cannot think clearly as before. He told me I noticed sometimes your mind become slower and it's like you are drifting away. he think I have lots of unanswered questions in my mind which boothers me ....


Strangers




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 06/06/2010 10:58:05
Message:

strangers,
I have to be honest with you...I read how you where
feeling in the Social Forum.
It seems like you are feeling less well since
you have started into this relationship.
You seem less able to handle your
feelings.
I don't know if you meant "drunk" on meds, or
booze.
But whatever it is...I hope you are feeling
better today.
I always think that something that's healthy will
make me feel better in a week.
If it makes me feel worse, it's probably not good
for me.
I hope you'll consider what YOU need and
please take care of yourself.
I may be way off on this post...but from what you've
shared...this is how it appears.
I do worry about you and hope that you'll continue
posting, being patient, and being good
to yourself.


Linda


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 06/07/2010 01:25:17
Message:


I went to gym today. It was not that much bad but I guess I should avoid alcohol. It makes me really sick and tired.

I bought a newspaper and makes several phone call for the job. I should go to an interview and participae in a meeting in couple of days.

My friend really want me to have job. actually its also the same thing that I want.

The job that I called was for teaching and also student counseling. I should also fill a form in internet for another job.

I'm thinking also about looking for job as a secrotary but I'm not sure about it. I'm not sure I can like it and plus I prefer to do job related to what I studied.


Wish you a good day for all of you.
Strangers




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 06/07/2010 02:06:44
Message:

strangers,
I hope you are feeling better .
I know you are very intelligent..and can understand
more than many people can, despite the
language barrier.
Strangers.....listen...this is important.
Do you know how the wind blows?
I don't either...it's unpredictable.
A person can not live their life like the wind.
You must gain some SOLID ground.
This ground must be decided by YOU.
Not your friend not your counselor, but you.
You can be guided...but only you know
what makes you feel better.

You need a plan of action...a plan to get
better.
The first question is....what do you need
to get better?
If you can't answer this.....then you should
tell your counselor that you can't, and ask
him how you can figure this out.

All my love to you strangers
We are all here for you along your route to health.
Linda


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 06/08/2010 23:06:27
Message:

strangers,
How are you doing? It's been a few days
since you've posted...I hope your doing
well.
Are you still in counseling?
If you get a chance, give us a post
and let us know?
Your freind
Linda


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 06/10/2010 07:20:26
Message:

Hi Samira,

Just popping in to say Hi and check on you. How are you doing?

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 06/21/2010 12:05:16
Message:

after a breaak from writting in my blog I feel I need to write something here. actually I feel alone and quite depressed and don't have anybody to talk with.

I strated homeopathy two weeks ago at first I feel a bit change but now I feel my symptoms just get worse. I have another appointment with him in two days. actually he book he introduced to me to read and discuss about it is abit bothering me and it's disturbing. also again starting with a new doc means I should repeat everything again which I wasn't eager that much to do it and I ried to skipped some of his questions.

but now I got again lots of flash back memory and also some disturbing image comes in to my mind.

The only thing that I want now is just forget whatever in the past.

Strangers

To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 06/21/2010 17:29:09
Message:

I for one am glad to see you posting again strangers.
I had wondered were you were, and how
you were doing.
Blogging is a good tool you know.
When we write things down, it sort of reinforces them,
or helps us to remember.
But I know what you mean...not all things
are easy to remmeber.
Just take your time...and do whatever you feel
comfortable with.
After all, that's what MT is all about.
Glad to see you back .
LInda


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 06/23/2010 17:54:18
Message:

Just dropping a line to say hi.
I wondering how your doing...and am hopeful
that your making some progress on
your goals.
When you feel like it, drop a line.
It'd be good to hear from you
again .
Linda


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 06/25/2010 03:20:03
Message:

Hi. How are you doing? Hope this finds you well.

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 06/25/2010 08:24:15
Message:

Linda & Brenda

Thanks for your nice words. actually I'm not too bad. I feel a bit depressed but maybe I'm just getting bored. My whole family really put me on pressure to find a job and I'm working on it but still I couldn't find any job and it makes me a bit depressed and disappointed. Sometimes I feel maybe I choose a wrong major for study. In my country they don't do that much research in physics. If I want to stay here eheir I should become a physics tutor which I like but everywhere I called for the job they just want me to have work experience in teaching which I don't have or I should continue my study which I'm not sure I like it or I be capable of it.

But a good news finally I started learning guitar electric. actually I had just one session up to now and I still didn't buy the guitar. I'm supposed to buy it next week. The first session was just theory stuff and also we talked a bit about what kind of music I listen and my teacher thinks the best style that I can start with it is Rock bt it will be demanding. He told me actually at first it makes you really tired physically and metally but later everything will be more fun. from my experience with playing flute I actually expected that.

I wish the best for both of you.
Stranger




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: leruok
Replied on: 06/26/2010 10:15:33
Message:

Strangers,
It's good to hear that your not doing too bad.
Guitar lessons sound so exciting.
I once tried to learn, but my fingers bend too
much and I couldn't hold the strings
down.
But it's my favorite instrument and sounds
heavely.
Try not to feel too presurred by your
family.
One baby step at a time.
I suppose cars don't go from 1st gear to
4th all at once...and I guess people don't
either.
We all have our burdens that we cope with,
and the best we can do is to
accept ourselves, and take one little
step at a time.
Have a good, good weekend
Your in my thoughts
Linda


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 07/01/2010 15:53:39
Message:

Hey Strangers. Thought I'd check in and see how you are doing. I hope you are well.

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 07/18/2010 10:55:59
Message:

Hello Samira.

How are you? Just checking in. Are you o.k.?

Love,

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 07/30/2010 12:16:46
Message:

Just me saying hi. Wondering how you are.

Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 08/08/2010 04:13:23
Message:

How's the guitar lesson going Strangers?

Brenda





Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 09/29/2010 14:41:41
Message:

hi brenda.

how is going? actually my guitar lesson is OK.



To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: davidt
Replied on: 10/21/2010 15:17:53
Message:


I thought you may wish to see this Samira if you havent already... for I'm fairly sure you must have met Angel wings...when you were located in Holland.

Very Sad!



my dearest Davidt
never out of mind none of you
but I've been so bussy with jimmy offcourse but also with verry sick people
that unfortunatley died 10 days after eachother
do you remember angelwings?
they were his parents so he's very depressed at the moment so we call him all the time
but also nice things
concerts and the fright night
by the way how did your examination go
and what was the result been thinking about that a lot
hope to hear from you
love
Thea



Principles before personalities ...is essential ...if we are to be remain a viable mental health amenity!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 10/24/2010 08:44:13
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by davidt


I thought you may wish to see this Samira if you havent already... for I'm fairly sure you must have met Angel wings...when you were located in Holland.

Very Sad!



my dearest Davidt
never out of mind none of you
but I've been so bussy with jimmy offcourse but also with verry sick people
that unfortunatley died 10 days after eachother
do you remember angelwings?
they were his parents so he's very depressed at the moment so we call him all the time
but also nice things
concerts and the fright night
by the way how did your examination go
and what was the result been thinking about that a lot
hope to hear from you
love
Thea



Principles before personalities ...is essential ...if we are to be remain a viable mental health amenity!




Sorry for my late reply davidt and thanks for inform me. Yes it's really sad.

Strangers



To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 10/25/2010 09:59:32
Message:


I'm back again here.

I have alot to say since last time I've been here. actually I have had lots of improvement. Now It's about 2-3 months that I go to a psychologist almost once a week.

I'm also still going for homeopahy and I think it really work good for me.
my med are working good and my Pdoc is thinking o reduce the dosage gradualy maybe from this week or the nex month. I will see him this wednesday.

I'm attending at an intensive English course (30 hours per week). But don't expect me too much I've just start it last week and it will take probably 1.5 year. LOL

I enjoy my guitar but still I'm struggling with catching up with the class.

.....

Strangers




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: davidt
Replied on: 10/26/2010 15:42:53
Message:



Good to see you back at your blog Samira

D.x



Principles before personalities ...is essential ...if we are to be remain a viable mental health amenity!


Reply author: brenda75
Replied on: 11/26/2010 17:57:50
Message:

Taking an English class must be exciting. Are you enjoying it? I think you write English very well. I've always enjoyed posting with you.

Enjoy your classes and don't forget to add some fun in there too.



Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 11/27/2010 09:14:20
Message:

quote:
Originally posted by brenda75

Taking an English class must be exciting. Are you enjoying it? I think you write English very well. I've always enjoyed posting with you.

Enjoy your classes and don't forget to add some fun in there too.



Brenda

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.



Hi Brenda

Good to see you posting here. Yes actually I really enjoy my english class (most of the time) and I found few friends and we have lots of fun together.

With Love
Stranger



To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 11/29/2010 10:31:17
Message:


I missed writting here.



To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 12/02/2010 12:17:57
Message:







To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 12/05/2010 13:59:05
Message:


Ok some update on me!

The english class is almost Ok. at least now that I'm participating in this course I feel happier. However it has some own difficulties.

Actually as I mentioned before this's somehow crashed program (30 hours class per weeK. this semester we have 8 courses:

1. Grammer
2. Oral presentation (short story)
3. Comprehention
4. Paragraph writting
5. Listening and speaking
6. Free discussion
7. Phenology
8. translation

....

I'm pretty busy now. I will wrte here later.

Strangers



To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)
Life is a game!


Reply author: davidt
Replied on: 12/29/2010 20:41:49
Message:



Hi Samira


Just checking in on you...

I hope this short note finds you well!


Love, David x





Friendship and understanding is the greatest gift of all!


Reply author: davidt
Replied on: 12/29/2010 20:44:04
Message:


PS., Congratulations on your 1001 post

Well done! D.x





Friendship and understanding is the greatest gift of all!


Reply author: davidt
Replied on: 01/19/2011 14:05:39
Message:



I thought you may like to see the above article Samira





Friendship and understanding is the greatest gift of all!


Reply author: davidt
Replied on: 02/15/2011 18:29:46
Message:



Samira you should see what Leigh has posrted to you in the main forum.
absolutely gorgeous D.x

Here's the link...

http://www.mytherapy.com/discussion/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=26553



About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won't like you at all.

Rita Mae Brown


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 03/25/2011 17:48:46
Message:


here is 5:00 a.m I was supposed to go bed much earlier but I couln't sleep. actually yesterday almost at this time I arrived home after few days holiday. So as you can guess my sleep routine has been mixed up a bit.

In total I have had a lovely holiday with mom, my aunt, my cousin and her husband and their lovely 9 month old baby. I truly enjoyed most of my trip.

Yesterday at evening I and my cousin family came back. I came back earlier because I wanted to test myself if I can survive without my mom for few days

anyway so far except being too tired everything went OK. I did essential house chore and also watched a nice Movie "Single Man".

OK going to bed now
Have a nice moments




To Live is to Die (From (Metallica)


Reply author: davidt
Replied on: 03/28/2011 18:51:33
Message:

...how cute is that? lol



Thank you kindly for the update Samira...

I've been meaning to ask you for sometime now
do you ever heaer from Stormbreker
or have you lost contact?

I hope he is OK


D.x



What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult to each other?


Reply author: davidt
Replied on: 03/28/2011 19:05:37
Message:



PS., I'm so pleased you are back
with us on a regular basis now!



What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult to each other?


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 03/29/2011 12:19:18
Message:


Thanks Davidt to write here in my blog. actually I'm also happy to be active here again. From next Saturday my school will start and I hope I can continue contributing here.

about Storm sorry it's a long time that I'm not in contact with him.


Reply author: davidt
Replied on: 03/29/2011 12:50:41
Message:



I am so happy that you are 'spreading your wings' by that I mean engaging more with others, like indeed you used to do.

I truly believe Samira the more you put into My Therapy the more you get out it.

Re Storm I think what you say is for the better. Just my opinion f course. Love and wholesome thoughts are sent to you, David x



What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult to each other?


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 03/30/2011 13:46:36
Message:


Maybe it's still very early to speak out this feeling that got recently.
but I'm now happiest about understanding a tiny part of reality going around here and there.

although this reality might be bitter and dark but I prefer to just face it with all of my body and soul.

please pray for me


Reply author: davidt
Replied on: 03/30/2011 17:30:31
Message:


As I have said elsehwere
you will definitely feature in my prayers
Samira

For I am very fond of you, David



What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult to each other?


Reply author: davidt
Replied on: 04/12/2011 13:27:48
Message:



Knowing you as I do Samira as an animal lover...
I thought you will enjoy this link, D.x




What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult to each other?


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 07/16/2011 10:28:27
Message:


Just need really venting

not sure where to start but let's start from today. I was suppose to have an appointment with my not that much lovely Pdoc today. When I arrived there I found that his office is closed because I don' know they were fixing soime stuff there. I was really pissed of. honestly I wasn't that much waiting to see him. I just wanted my med. so two weeks ago I called his secretory and canceled my consulting appointment and asked for just for short appointment but I guess she just canceled my appointment but forgot or didn't bother herself to write down my new appointment so simply she didn't call me ....

plus tomorrow is national holiday here. so it means no med till I don't know which time.

Strangers


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 07/16/2011 12:06:37
Message:


another of those today

I just called one of my friends but I wish I wouldn't. I might write about it later ....


Reply author: Rainbowfish
Replied on: 07/16/2011 13:45:40
Message:

Hi Samira! It is very good to get that stuff out of you;
anger, disappointment. Did you run out of meds? I don't
want to think of your body going through a withdrawel, if
that is the case. Otherwise call them first thing in the
morning, after the holiday. It is great that you have
a blog, I will catch up over the next couple days, reading
your blog. I encourage you to talk about your feelings
here, I do so more openly in my blog, too. Take care
sweet lady! Talk to you again soon.


A bandaid will protect the wound but it needs to breathe fresh air to heal~
Rainbowfish


Reply author: strangers
Replied on: 08/14/2011 15:05:05
Message:

My counselor suggest me to write ... just to vent. Although it's long time that I didn't write and I told him I hate writing tonight I just give it a try.

OK bothering stuff:

1.still no job
2.my fight with one of my sis-in-law
3.missing my older brother
4.stressful financial situation
5. feeling a bit isolated
6. unsatisfied of myself
7. running out of med again
8. high cost of medical treatment with no insurance
9. feeling useless, like a lazy baster
10.feeling I'm getting old which really scare me
11. feeling insecure about future
12. no romance and even I don't know if I want it and if it's still exist in this world




Reply author: metasegue
Replied on: 08/27/2011 00:37:39
Message:

I'm afraid the world is short on knights in shining armor. We've
found that the necessity for first move was nearly extinctive. We live
in a strange world of rapid change. Strip away the thin vernier of civilization and we are back in the stone age real quick. In that world...men are dominant...maybe that's why they keep trying to burn
this one.

It depends on how you feel about the future. Time is our enemy. There are "Princes" out there, looking for "Princesses."
There are knights looking for ladies. There are men seeking women. There are people so desperate that they live in constant emotional
pain. Take your pick...in reality. If you can't handle the pain
anymore, find a male water sign. They're very sensitive and will be aware of your feelings without words.

Your culture is so alien to ours. Frankly, it is unfair. The US has
gone through so many internal struggles and yet we prevail. Lately,
it's been a mess here but we've been here before. We've had the same
form of government for 250 years....that's very old....civilization
wise. Most of our people recognize women as equals. We all
know men are physically stronger but technology has been the great
equalizer here. The machines do a mans work. We, as a dominant sex,
are obsolete. I hesitate to go farther...into the myth. Sooo....I
guess I'm saying: "The only thing that stays the same in this world is change".

Your people, under the Shah, were becoming Westernized...
that is, sophisticated and open. Maybe it was only the upper class
that had this education but it was a start. I don't care about
religion...one way or the other...as long as nobody's cramming it
down my throat. Believe what you want to believe as long as it
doesn't threaten my own existence. See where I'm going with this?

I can see why you might not want to respond to this...living where
you do. Soo...you'll have plausible deniability...as our contemporary
politicians practice when they're not outrightly lying. You can say;
"He's just another flake on the mental health forum".
I think the whole damned world needs an overhaul.

Take care

I think the whole damned world needs an overhaul.

We're only given a small spark of madness...we MUSTN'T lose it. Robin Williams


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